Then, you begin focusing on what could be wrong in your own relationship instead of what's going right. When you become obsessed with examining things on your own, you are making judgments about what you think went wrong, even though you weren't involved in the situation. Right now, downtime is not a friend. I relied on my friends to slap some sense into me. Get obsessed with improving your health, including the food you choose to ingest as well as having an activity or exercise routine. Obsessive lovers never get past the earlyobsessive phase-- this is where love turns into an unhealthy compulsive love (which is not true love). Allow yourself to connect with trusting, safe, non-judgmental people about your story, your thoughts/feelings, and whats going on. 1. Find Out If You Should, How to Show Him You Dont Care Anymore (10 Effective Ways). There's only one way to feel sure you are loved and stop the comparison game or you'll feel hurt for no reason. RUBBERBAND "THOUGHT-STOPPING" TOOL Add to the list when you become aware of additional self-shaming thoughts. It can be helpful to stop trying to put so much energy in trying to control them and instead surrender to obsessive thoughts. You assume your boyfriend's ex is the enemy, but then when you meet her in person you're like, 'I guess you're not so bad.'. If you are jealous of your boyfriend's ex, you can only stop being jealous by loving yourself first and not caring about your boyfriend's ex. How do you know if your ex is obsessive? However, many obsessed exes have personality disorders and are struggling with mental health issues. Dr Simon contributes regularly to the main Counselling Resource site blog, Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life, including several article series in his specialist areas: All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. Done! It is because your partner may have had intimate relations with his ex while in a relationship with you. Receive weekly tips & tricks to improve your love life. Once May left him we got together and at first everything was going well, but recently things have been going downhill. Nothing else is left; the box is gone, disappeared. Explore and get clarity on what your values areand yearn to live by them and exercise them with integrity. And it can feel devastating. Sometimes the most intense and painful ruminations are whatJohn Bradshawcalls Obsessive Shaming Thoughts described in his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You. "if only I were perfect, we would still be together. How to Make Him Realize He's Losing You (21 Things to Try), 7 Signs a Man Loves You But Is Afraid to Accept His Feelings. Well, to stop both you need to gain control of your automatic reaction when hearing about your boyfriend's exes or the past; getting upset whenever your boyfriend brings up the past will not help you in the future. If you notice your ex is exhibiting any of these signs do not hesitate to seek help from a professional and if possible make sure they get medical attention. Talking About the Ex Too Much We all compare our current romance to ones we've had in the past, and an occasional reference to an old. Shift your focus to the now, and trust your partner and relationship. We often don't have control of our thoughts and feelings. However, the worst part is if he shows any aggressive behaviors towards the kids, family members of you when things dont go his way. NOTE: Consider adding thisvisualization with this technique: Do you live your life by these values? Telling them youre no longer a couple will only fuel their need to reconcile.. Do you want to find out if he's texting other women behind your back? This trust cannot be established if either one of the partners remains in contact with a former lover. Hopefully, hes not doing that at all. Utilizing this tool will help youdissipate false self-shaming thinking and replace them with reality-based thoughts; thus changinghow you feel for the better. Anti-Shaming Thought Substitutions (speaking the truth). But, most likely, the only reason he's bringing her up is that it's the only (or most) serious relationship he had. That's okay. Talk about boundaries and find ways where the both of you come to the same understanding. Another sign of obsessive ex syndrome is that they are always alone. A little communication will also go a long way in finding a solution to the problem. These can really screw with the mind Or worse yet, whether he has a criminal record or is cheating on you? Love AddictionBooks Comparison moves us further away from being real, authentic, and creative. Here are a few support groups I recommend - codependents anonymous or CODA, sex and love addicts anonymous or SLAA, adult children of dysfunctional families or ACDF; and love addicts anonymous or LAA. Even though you have a boyfriend, you are still threatened by the fact that he had a past with his ex-girlfriend. This is called borderline personality disorder (BPD) in medical terms. No contact is no longer giving energy to frenzied compulsive thinking. Neither is isolation. Apply this techniquewhenever you have an unwanted obsessive thought or image. Are you obsessing over an ex and can't stop thinking of a failed relationship? The only reason you might feel jealous is because you have a lack of confidence in yourselfor, in the worst case, he talks about his ex too much. 3. For instance, he tattooed his ex-girlfriends name on his arm. Use this tool to check whether he actually is who he says he isWhether you're married or have just started seeing someone, infidelity rates are on the rise and have increased over 40% in the last 20 years, so you have all the right to be worried. This could help erase any feelings of jealousy, paranoia or insecurities around her. Acceptance may seem like a trivial matter, but it is not. Watch a film (e.g., thriller, action, an old western, comedy), Utilize the Rubberband Thought Stopping Technique-- a simple tool often. When we are ready to accept responsibility for situationsin our lives, healthy change and growth become possible. And so on. The snap is the first action for interrupting disturbing thoughts. Others get involved with love avoidant individuals (narcissists are also avoidant)both are unresponsive to their partner's needsand tend to continuously shun intimacy and closeness. A man who compels you to justify how you spend every moment of the day, is likely relationally dependent. BE OBSESSED WITH THE NOT SO GREAT THINGS ABOUT YOUR EX - HIM OR HER By Debra Smouse Written on Apr 27, 2021. While seemingly opposite ideas, the result of such comparisons is that we want to conform in an effort to set norms while standing out as the best among those who also meet the same basic standards. Continue visualizingthem, watchthem, observe them, then imagine them floating rightpast and disappearing into thin air. BREAK THE "IF ONLY" INTRUSIONS But after thisearly infatuation fades most people experience a healthy transition to theattachment stage-- where emotional intensity subsides, and a secure bond and commitment take place, one based on trust, respect, and companionship. Write them down (or type on a laptop, phone, or a tablet). This exercise is what I callthe Small Box Visualization Technique. This guide presents 11 possible reasons why you are obsessed with your boyfriends ex. Here is the reality- the chances are quite high thatnone of your "if only's" (if only you would have done this or that differently) would have made any difference-- nothing you could have said, did, or gave would have changed who your ex-partner is and was in the relationship, nor the outcome. They were together for 5 years and NEVER married. Jealousy. Why or why not? Andmay go up and down depending on what's happening in the relationship. Signs Your Partner is Love Avoidant. You can go through a stageof feeling love-struck. When someone is obsessed with you, he wants you all for himself, and limits your potential and opportunities, love on the other hand is supportive and has a lot to do with sharing. She then demanded that he delete his ex-wife's number after seeing a couple of recent phone calls. So you need to be open and not shrink from listening to him speak about his ex. Ensure that you share this article with your loved ones, and leave a comment below to share your thoughts. Andy talks about her nonstop about how horrible May is and how she broke his heart and I hate it. Sometimes if we do not give the thought any power, it will fade away. Embrace the act of seeking and getting support. This tool will do just that and pull up any hidden social media and dating profiles, photos, criminal records, and much more to hopefully help put your doubts to rest. So you become paranoid and begin to stalk her Instagram posts and photos to make sense of her posts, you keep asking questions like who is she dating? Stop shaming yourself for your imperfections. They lived together at his house and he felt . Or if he has an active Tinder or dating profile? Or whether he has active Tinder or dating profile? But there's really no need to worry about who he is dating next or worry about overly personal things. Circumstances that ignite perhaps the most pain-ridden obsessions occur when a relationship ends. So, you're concerned about his well being. AFFIRM:Finally, say something affirming to yourself: After the snap, after the command 'stop', replace the obsessive anxiety-ridden thought with a positive, compassionate self-affirmation. My client, Will, told me he caught his girlfriend checking his phone history. In the left column, write down thoughts you've identified as obsessive and self-shaming (step 1, above). This online communications tracker tool is able to track signals from other peoples smartphones and send you information about who theyre contacting, as well as when and how often. Was he/she avoidant or narcissistic and if so is this what you really want in a long term partnership? While you may eventually stop hurting over the breakup, it's unlikely that you will forget your ex. What is more, we can work to change our thoughts, which will help improve how we feel. VISUALIZE: Visualize the person youre infatuated with. I was talking/seeing my boyfriend Andy while he was dating his now ex girlfriend May. * These are just a few quotes shared from a few of myonline recovery clients who'vestruggled with being obsessed with a lover or ex-lover. Next, on the right-hand column next to the self-shaming obsession, write down a positive affirming statement that counteracts the shaming lie or distortion. This step is separate from steps 1 and 2. So even though she is not with your man, and perhaps has moved on, you track her through the internet and keep an eagle eye on all movements. Your obsession with your partners former partner is because you want to compare yourself with her. And they are misleading, as they imply that relationship problems or failures were all your fault; or that a loversfear of getting close (intimacy) was about you; that "if only" you did, said or acted differently at one time or another, or throughout the relationship-- all would've been fine. Obsessive people always want to be in control, they always want to get what they want, when they want it. 8. Let me know your thoughts in the comments section. Interactions are based on a pre-written script . Cutting the source (love object)is not easy. Notice how your boyfriend regards the course of your daily life. Another way to find out if you've got an obsessive ex is if they show signs of excessive jealousy. Distraction isvaluable way to minimize fixated thoughtsover someone. Was he/she an open and honest communicator? With that said, heres a list of signs that your ex is being a bit too obsessive. In some cases, they might want you to cut off or stop talking to people they dont like or deem as a threat to them. People can get obsessed with almost anyone-- even someone they never met. What to do instead: We all want to be loved and to belong to something larger than ourselves, but constantly comparing and trying to mold ourselves into the ways others look or behave isn't the way to win your honey's heart. Join my newsletter along with thousands of others, Contact What was the reason? 3. Review your completed exercise several times, at least. People who are obsessive tend to have low self-esteem, they see everyone who comes around as a threat, even if it's a female. She felt she could never measure up to his ex-wife's beauty and went as far as to make regular appointments at her salon to try and emulate some of her beauty tips and look for clues that maybe she wasn't always picture perfect. At this time, you need clarity and healthy feedback from safe, non-judgmental people-- which will help counter obsessive irrational thinking. Get involved with a political organization. You may be surprised by how effective they can be to help you. All rights reserved. If he's obsessed with his ex, then it's time to move on. Step 3. That bothered me. Success! Engage in a supportive atmosphere- even when it feels uncomfortable. You will be temtped numeroustimes. Think of self-critical and shaming thoughts that tend to come up repeatedly in your mind. Science has shown becoming obsessed with alove interest is entirely expected for most people at the beginning of an early romance. This exercise will help remove the magical and expose the fantasy-- waking you up to reality, thus weakening the fixation. Youdissipate false self-shaming thinking and replace them with integrity -- waking you up to,! Another sign of obsessive ex syndrome is that they are always alone even someone NEVER... 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