Things like I dont want to give him the wrong idea or Im not dressed up enough go through your head. This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! Zabrinah [your everyday girl, writing about guys], Zabrinah And of course, if were in a desperate, vulnerable, or lonely place, the temptation will be to say, Yes!. Much like people who keep emphasising how honest or nice they are, suffer with Those Who Doth Protest Too Much, when someone goes to the trouble of telling you that theyre spontaneous, youre dealing with a Future Avoider that has basic commitment issues. They dont respect you for that, they look down on you from their lofty Godlike height while you are falling over yourself trying to impress them. There are constant "if-onlys." Whether it is you, your partner, or both of you having these thoughts, it's a bad sign if there is always a sense that the relationship could be satisfying if. Inconsistent men send mixed signals because they might be: Dating lots of women. You are right and I didnt realize I tend to do that as well. Then either I never hear from him again (this is what went down the last time I talked to him-a month ago-or we make plans for something (like one or two weeks before said plans), get together, he strings me along via text every week or so.disappears for like 2-3 weeks, rinse, repeat. When were lost in the fog of trying to navigate our way through a relationship with an assclown, even if said assclown be nothing more than a friend clear, succinct directions have been much easier for me to understand than theoretical verbiage ! Honestly, Id rather stay home & watch my DVRed shows that Ive missed during the work week than sit around waiting for an ass-wipe. Still, Im grateful for the lessons all this eventually taught me, including *never* accepting the role of being someone elses option when they feel theyve got nothing better to do. And Id just prefer to keep him hanging for a while. Total loser. Relationships in the beginning should be fun and easier than what follows. chloe lazy. Just what are these ACs thinking? Funny thing, I just now only realized this after your comment regarding your ex. I have to be careful but remain open. One of the things I adore about my boyfriend is that he wont make plans without contacting me first!! We have lives ladies! hint!). Additionally, he may lack time-management skills or struggle with procrastination. I dont think spontaneity should be a negative nor a deal-breaker. Men respect women with a backbone, especially if you can do it calmly and without being a bitch. I want to shout out how happy I am having discovered this place! Ortheyll pretend to meet you in the middle and gradually eek it back to last minute, at which point you bounce them and walk. Of course I am good enough! And, why would you treat a man like a god? Dont be intelligent or confident. These guys, I tell you, have all the nerve (and none of the decency) in the world! Those who know me well, know that Im not a spontaneous (or spontaneous) person by nature. Hes fishing. When I really sat down to think about it, I realized that was the FIRST time I EVER gave the reason I didnt want to see him is that I was busy. I hung up and thought, I should never have taken him back. He saw his family every day, he lives with them. Im going to push a little deeper though and ask about my contribution in this scenario. Screamed at me for getting her up early, didn't go hiking (eight hour day) 2. Pffft! Youre not. They wouldnt want to be my friend either so its all good. The bigger stuff, ticketed events and such, he is good about asking and telling me about in advance. We want people we cant have. @mymble: Interesting you asking why would we go on pining after the AC/EU/MM who has clearly shown they dont give a sh*t? And thats the test: Spontaneity cuts both ways. Thanks Spinster yes thats the way to do it, firm and in control. Jas. This stress kills the excitement and is a big turn-off for many women. I hope you kicked both of them to the curb where they belong. THATS what theyre too busy for and THATS what theyre scared of (should you be someone who likes to use the hes scared excuse). I didnt give 2 hoots anymore. A relationship is a two-person team. On the other hand, I now realize A) I cannot fix him and B) he is in no shape to give me what I need, and he probably never will be. It was not a test to measure his devotion. I dont ever feel instant attraction to men on dating apps, Dating a new type of guy and have so many questions, 425+ Never Have I Ever Questions: The Ultimate List, How to Get Your Ex Back in 5 Steps Guaranteed (With Testimonials), 225+ Amazing Questions to Ask a Guy: The Ultimate List, What No One Tells You About Good Relationships, Is He Seeing Someone Else? * I was stunned at first but then all the pieces fell into place and I realized this is a pattern and I was a last-minute add-on to his Saturday night of watching football and drinking beers. This post completely sums up my time with the ex EUMI would try to make plans with him in advance and I would get oh your such a control freak, you plan everything to the last detail blah blah I like to be spontaneous..it was ridiculous I then started to doubt myself thinking maybe I was controlling and that he was right it was good to be spontaneous. Im sorry to hear about your long distance heartache it sounds remarkably similar to how things were with my ex. From what you say, this is him just not thinking rather than anything serious. Hed twist things around because hed always tell me we dont spend enough time together, so I would free up my schedule, only for him to abuse that and see me only once hes seen all his friends. I felt like Id been hit square in the face with a week-old flounder ! And there I was, literally tagging along or perhaps it would be more descriptive to say following in his wake. I sometimes remind myself of that with certain posts as well, such as when people talk about being managed by text. Ive read through these posts and I know how the women having problems with these types of men feel. And the weekend after that. Im currently reading the novel High Fidelity, by Nick Hornby. What decent women wants that mess? Hey,can I get some clear cut and dry answers here?! Some people are not sensitive, or attuned enough to recognize such a person, or are unlucky to ever meet one. he might see it as a sign of x, y, or z or he may think nothing at all youve no control over that. 2. He knows so much about you. Theres no-one whos exciting/charming/nice/good/wonderful/challenging/ funny/interesting enough to overcome that. Now Im left wondering was he just fishing to see if Id take the bait and now hes ignoring me or was the text meant for someone else. Good grief . Otherwise youre just on standby while he calls the shots. Here's my pet peeve, and it seems like so many guys I've known do this: planning a date in advance, but not giving the specifics until the last minute. Hi Betty, Its okay! We can all be a little clueless at times. I am a woman and I value my time and If I planned with a guy to see him -say tonight- if he won't call me or contact me in a lunch time . Hello Tired_Of . It will do more harm than good to you in the long run. Oh yes, had this done to me. One of my exs wasnt keen on making plans, often using the phrase flying by the seat of my pants. Most weekends Id be summoned after hed decided what he wanted to do, or be subjected to having to listen to him whining about finding something to do that ticked his spontaneous boxes. Ouch. It could be that you two have different concepts of what it means to arrive "on time" based on your respective cultural backgrounds. Got messaged on a dating site, received an immediate invitation (over text) to dinner later that evening, spent the night together. Its easy to say go out and make new friends I have really tried. That I didnt feel enough for myself to stand up and walk away fills me with sadness. When she mentioned it to her dating mentor (married woman) the mentor told her that she should get over it and if the guy was asking her out at all then he was interested and she should quit being so rigid. He picked me up and off we went to a Halloween specialty store. We didnt see eachother for the last 4 weeks. Me good for you. I am ashamed to say, I was the queen of sitting and waiting for his text or email (I should have been so lucky as to get an actual phone call), telling me what (or if) we would be doing anything. Duh. And I thank myself all the time for realising I needed to let go of the idiots and be happy with myself (and with being single) and hence open myself up to the greatest love of my life. Why are there so MANY men out there like this ? With my ex he probably wouldnt even have answered the phone! If you show him that you are prepared to cancel your plans at the last minute, so that you can hang out with him - he is going to expect this from you again, and again and again. Its avoiding any rejection that my come with putting myself forward. Ive blocked his number, Facebook page, and email address; I do not even acknowledge him at work (yes we work at the same place, but not the same department, thank goodness). He left me shaking my head in dismay. Sunset = youre not too demanding, quite the reverse. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. He isnt. So, had 3 dates with a guy, we chat EVERY DAY via ph or text for weeks before and during out dates, it starts to get to the point where Im thinking of taking it a step further, and then bam!nothing for several days on end. Natalie, so glad you wrote about this. Is there a secret type of woman they do things for? I do not care what anyone says, noone likes be treated as on option. Its also not a punishment.New year, new no. Sometimes I think I was on mute. will never make this mistake again. This website has been a complete God send and has explained his behaviour to a T ;-0. My ex called every day and I saw him at least a few times a week, but there was never any planning, just him announcing when he was about to come by. It also occurred to me after reading some of the comments below that spontaneity is a total luxury item. Then there are people in open relationships and the uncommitted playing their options who think it is OK to play around if there hasnt been a discussion about commitment yet. If you ever do this mistake, reply with anothe He Im going to blahblahblah Me -Good for you have fun. I then gathered myself together, removed him from FB, messengers, email and my cell phone. I met a guy in the store, struck up a conversation and he asked for my number. They both liked to cancel last minute and jumped at the opportunity to do something else (mostly with their boyfriends) and dropped me. I didn't bother initiating any more plans with him because I . -oh, youre still alive! The holidays just passed. Its doable but it didnt half take some getting used to! You Deserve Happiness. , i mean is he showing signs he is sexually attracted to you? 10 Signs That A Guy Wants You Just For Sex, Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married/Attached Man, Overlappers: When they start a new relationship just before your breakup, Miss You, Miss You, Oops, But Im Not Getting Back With You: When Your Ex Says They Miss You But Youre Still Broken Up, Letting Go of a Relationship That Doesnt Exist, Uncover, unpack and declutter the emotional baggage thats holding you back in 5 short audio sessions, Get to know yourself on a deeper level and learn my simple yet powerful emotional decluttering methods, Put healthy boundaries in place and start being more of the person you really are. Hope you kicked both of them to the curb where they belong, is. ( eight hour day ) 2 calmly and without being a bitch used to a bitch t ;.! Im not a punishment.New year, new no signals because they might be: Dating lots of.... 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