I have literally zero life and instead of trying to boost my confidence or just leave me alone so I can do my best to climb out of this situation, my family complains behind my back that Im getting loads of extra help from my parents because Im allowed to live at home in my 30s. November 20, 2013, 12:42 pm, haha, perfect comment(@ Grilledcheesecalliope), lets_be_honest Or if she wants some help with a house or whatever, ask for it. If you think life isnt fair, look at what you have and consider yourself lucky. She has a serious illness that has definitely been the cause of some interruptions in her work and education, but beyond that, she has done little to sort her life out. Not because they have no right to do with their money as they please but because we are all conditioned to believe that if you work hard and do the right things and follow the rules, just as your parents thought you, that you will be rewarded. Absolutely hands down a case overt favoritism sneaky and underhanded! She must feel like every time her parents are writing some huge check to pay for her sisters life, they dont ever think Maybe OP needs some help. So ASK and if they get weird and say no, then you can bring up the fact that your sister is receiving more help than you are and has for a very long time and that you feel really hurt and offended by that. Its hard because I think we all have moments of I want what they have! Lately, though, things have been tough due to some financial issues. November 20, 2013, 11:30 am, Its like triage, if one person has a bullet wound and one has a cough, you treat the bullet wound first.. But I get it, a lot of people here are harboring similar jealousy feelings and/or resentment that their siblings get more money for reasons you think arent fair, and you want your own feelings validated. And it was taken care of in the inheritance so that the other sibling was compensated for it. I really like the list youve written out. One way or the other youll get through. Its hard to deal with those feelings when it happens over and over again. I think the act of skipping Thanksgiving altogether is passive aggressive itself. My parents paid for most of my sisters education (all of undergrad, a portion of grad school, her living expenses through both she worked a p/t job for a total of 2 semesters in 6 years), while I paid for mine myself through scholarships, working a LOT, and loans. Not co-signed, didnt do a down payment. Inherent in every unbalanced sibling-parent relationship is the law that has existed from birth, the entrenched family practices that establish privilege for one and depravation for the other. You keep saying equitable as if your parents are leaving MORE money to your sister, but they arent. On one hand, it would bother me if we (me or my parents) were giving her a bunch of money. Just this one comment, though. This could be a matter of you not asking when you need help. Well spend every dime on your sister because the poor thing needs us ? It isnt worth it. The go to see her and the kids several times a year and have the kids up for summer camp for multiple weeks each year. First of all, do NOT snap at anyone at Thanksgiving. Haha Thank you. Shes trying her best to be responsible and self-sufficient while her sister is digging herself into a hole that mom and dad are filling with cash. Good job making things up so you can once again put down the other commenters. LW, I understand where you are coming from (my younger, irresponsible) sister is my moms favorite (shes told me!) Favoring one child over the other just seems wrong to me. Now that being said, it will help you feel better to remember what other commenters and wendy have already said, fair isnt necessarily equal, money doesnt equal love, and your parents can spend their money however they want. How about you pat yourself on the back for being fiscally responsible and get over yourself. She probably already has credit thats shot to hell. Whe. Its suppose to be collective dont give to anyone if they dont have the capacity but make sure they prioritize all kids if they brought them to this damn world. Sure, we all have moments that are not our best. Because asking for help would be like being like her needy sister yadda yadda, vicious cycle and repeat. Meh, I think most of us understand the resentment over the favoritism in general. And on another note, have you thought about things from your sisters perspective? You say yourself that its split evenly. I like your idea of giving something back thats extravagant that they cant refuse. It is really warped and hard to believe and hard to explain but there are parents who have a one child mind. I feel really icky when people complain about parents wills. Just because I manage my finances responsibly doesnt mean it wouldnt be incredibly helpful to receive some financial assistance every now and again, particularly since it would allow me and my husband to start a family much sooner than otherwise. Its surprising that anyone who says that is labeled as sanctimonious/smug. That is to say, like her if you like her, laugh together, share things together and be as sisters could be, if your relationship allows it. They have no obligation to change their wills to ensure you and your sister have been given equal amounts of money throughout your lives. What it comes down to is that you have to realize that money doesnt equal love. Although it sounds weird its nice to hear from my dad that my husband and I arent at the top of his prayer list. So we will continue to make good decisions and be able to support ourselves. Like you, I was always expected to deal with any financial or other problems on my own without any support, and I quickly learned to never ask for help as it would always be refused. Grilledcheesecalliope Then you will find it easier to talk to your parents about why you feel hurt. And LW, think about the fact that you all have a WHOOLE lot of life left to live. This. How do you know if one person is more ashamed to ask (because usually the good ones always are) and they may need money in urgency or emotional support but are not given? Im embarrassed to admit I dont understand what that means. What is not addressed in this Q&A, there is far more going on in the family dynamic! Whereas I am unemployed after losing a long career but looking hard for a job, taking grad courses that I pay for (they also paid for her phd), and live in a one bedroom rental and never ask for or get $ help. Youre looking at the money as something that can be changed, whereas love cant be changed. @ Flake this is the reason I suggested it. And you are allowed to feel some resentment about it. My mom didnt do that and now when she complains about my spoiled and needy sister I make PA comments and say tough shit. Be thankful that your niece/nephew is being taken care of. My husband has received very little financial assistance from his parents since he graduated high school 15+ years ago. While I dont blame her for the petty tit-for-tat thoughts (Ive done it too, in my weaker moments), I do think the amount of thought and emotional effort shes put into this is insane. Each time you give her money you take away an opportunity for her to learn from her mistakes. It just seems vengeful to me. So, favoritism isnt his motivation, but rather to control people around him. My parents are certainly free to do whatever they want with their moneygoes on to explain why they really arent. My mom will spend the exact same amount on both of us at Christmas. I always get on trends after people think its obnoxious. I mean to her in this moment, the issue is the money. Its a long, complicated story, but the gist is that I had a trial going on against my parents and my brother for severe abuse/neglect and my lawyers didnt think there was enough to convict them and to spare me the pain of a trial, they convinced me to agree to a settlement with my parents out of court. Siblings from left to right, Khephera Jesal, 60, of West Bloomfield, Mich . Lets just say theres a reason I live at least 5 hours away from my family. Your parents may very well think that you have everything in hand/taken care of and dont need help. lets_be_honest I have no problems asking for help, but they also offer a lot (not in an enabling way, in a we are still the parents and get to buy you dinner no matter how old you are kind of way) and there are also certain circumstances where I pay them back in other ways. Nothing fair about that. Im suggesting this because equating your frustration with financial inequality between how your parents treat you vs. your sister wont make this issue go away. Other sister and I have decided to just kiss the money goodbye so that we dont have to act or make decisions or have a relationship with our parents based on either greed or sucking up for cash. I would be so happy if I didnt get a dime from them and they got to travel everywhere they want to go. Shaming someone for their hurt feelings is just a shitty thing to do, and when I called you on it, I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you doubled down. One thing I dont think that has been touched on is parents who show their love through money. Any money she gives to her daughter is automatically deducted from the amount her daughter will receive so my husband will receive a larger inheritance than his sister will. Depending on where you live, thats a difference of several hundreds of thousands of dollars. Ive been dealing with a bunch of rude students today, so Im just going to be blunt. Im in the same situation as the LW except my younger, favorite (of the two adult kids my parents have) is NOT in need financially, has a great job, successful husband, is living in huge home #2 that my parents helped them buy), and is pushing my dad to buy her and hubby a second (vacation) home and hes actually considering it!! My husband and I work hard and make sacrifices, and ultimately make ends meet more comfortably than most. What part of that says the are so broke or drowning in student loan debt? Im surprised at how many people there are who are NOT on the side of the author. Do I feel resentful? Sigh. And then try to just let go of the guilt and be grateful. Have they thought of that?? I still resent the result. My siblings both married and moved out a few years ago, but when they were living at home they were paying less than half of what I am (and rates havent changed at all in this area). So, I guess Im just lucky that Ive never felt that resentment. The black sheep has stunted emotional and cognitive growth, while the white sheep has healthy and normal development. November 20, 2013, 12:02 pm. So disagreeing with you is whats bitchy? Anyway, my sisters didnt get flowers or anything. [7] 5. You did great reading with comprehension though, cant wait to see what you make next in reply to this. 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