I tried to be really nice even bought her school clothes when they all came out and she verbally attacked me because I spent more on my daughter (who is under age and still in high school living at home with me) then I did on him who is legally an adult and made the decision to not move with us, instead to live with her. I cannot add anything to the right-on responses I have been reading. I am sorry but there has got to be a line that shouldn't be crossed no matter what we are his family and deserve respect also. Good luck. You dont want to hurt his feelings, lose their trust or worse, and they will take you as a controlling parent. But I work with these people and see these qualities daily. Maybe he does not take this girl "seriously." Let him know that youre concerned and why. Send short, newsy emails, so your son doesn't feel distant from his family. Quick Contents show 1. He is losing relationships (close ones). He is so smart and aced the ACT and had a full ride scholarship but he would have had to be 5 hours away from her so she threw a fit. If you find yourself in this position, know that youre not alone. Just use the free time to do something you've always wanted to do. Before the move, his friend came to see my husband and I to talk about the situation. If he does, I would think that might help you see her in a different light. i feel like a failure as a mother and am so worried about what will happen after they marry. I probably have way more simple advice than the majority of others who wrote in. Once you've given your opinion on a matter, you have to drop it and let your son live his life. I think i would also like to have a conversation with him about having children with her. It's his life. That is why I posted - to get some more neutral feedback. Or when my sons are sick, they call her asking for her to cook them her 'sickness soup', and she will come over and play mom to whichever one of my kids is sick. I can understand your situation. You are someone's wife. However, it is also important to trust our children to make their own decisions and not try to control every aspect of their lives. Ultimately nothing. The families on both sides could see it right off. 1. Son Chooses Girlfriend Over Family . Unfortunately there isn't much you can do. Help Him See the Red Flags Drama Queen. How do you intervene without becoming an anti-girlfriend bad guy? This situation is causing me much distress and sadness. BF and I spend the majority of holidays with his family. I have taken the high road and it just seems to me that by doing that she feels validated in her actions. Practical Tips & Advice For Everyday Parenting. Have some faith in him and his decisions. It can be difficult to watch your son enter into a controlling relationship. I remember the day he died like it was yesterday. Good luck, I hope you can work it out. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'mamapedia_com-box-4','ezslot_25',645,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-mamapedia_com-box-4-0');Also, it seems a little rude to put down her choice of major in college (while building up your son's accomplishments in ALL CAPS). Having . Once youve taken some time to calm down and really think about the situation, its time to sit down with both your family and your significant other and talk things through. I always believe that positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. Editorial post:My Son Hates His Stepfather. Point out specific examples from his own relationship so he can start to recognize them himself. :) She said something along the lines of 'we arent trying but we arent avoiding it'. When he was growing up, how much time did he spend with his dad's family? You don't want to put a stumbling block in your relationship with your son. Just be reasonable with him, be calm and tell him PRIVATELY, preferably in person if you can, that you do not want to invite her out or be around her because of the way she treats YOU and how it hurts you to see how she treats HIM..but please don't get petty about how he's so much better than she is. If you trust him not to judge you, have a conversation about her and his intentions toward her. We all have our own set of flaws and imperfections. 1. Let him go. 3. i am dealing with exactly the same issues and have had to "write off" both of them for my own sanity. drinking. Be honest about your concerns but try to remain open-minded too. so chin up , remember, we as moms still have lives to live to the fullest, there is not to much you can do about who your son dates if you can get him alone you might casually nention whaaaaata you have sent us but be as sweet to her as you can she may end up as a daughter in law lets hope he wake up soon . It is the person inside that matters. But I doubt that. Everyone else may think that your son walking away is horrible, but some distance and separation may bring you more peace for now. H. There is NOTHING you can do other than to not have her around YOU. I was struck so much by this, but didn't tell my son. I mean, she is always dating someone that my parents disapprove. He was very very reluctant to move to the house I had picked out because it is far away from his girlfriend (45m drive) and she cannot drive because she has epilepsy. After much counseling 15 years ago, my husband agreed to disconnect from his family due to their negative feelings about me. Its important that he knows you still love and support him, even if you dont approve of his partner. She moved into my apartment this summer and it's been bliss, except for when my parents call with their " concerns". You cant force your son to end the relationship, no matter how much you may want to! I can not believe I forgot about this! For him to allow his girlfriend to act this rudely to you and the others, is reprehensible. I'm sorry that this is happening to you and that you're hurt. He divorced me because I reverted to family behaviors and started acting like her. What can you do? His future mother-in-law texts me, saying she will be calling to make plans, but does not follow-thru. First, try to have a conversation with her about what is going on and why it is not acceptable. In regards to your son's girlfriend and you getting along, it's not going to take overnight. hahahhaa. This doesnt mean telling him to break up with his girlfriend; rather, it means encouraging himto assert himself more and set boundaries as needed . We all have our own set of flaws and imperfections. Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. these girls get their hooks in them and our sons become walking robots to the girls every thought , decision, and take on her opinions forgetting their own. You might have a heart-to-heart (carefully and gingerly) with your son about his intentions with her (marriage or just hanging out) to satisfy your questions, but he must make his choices. It sucks that he doesn't seem to be spending special occasions with you, but maybe you can arrange to spend time with him one-on-one another time. I do make good money but by no means are we rich. My oldest gave up his apartment to move in with me and help me pay the bills. I assume she did not graduate with her B.S. It is difficult to provide a definitive answer to this question without knowing more about the situation. https://www.mamapedia.com/article/dating-a-guy-with-a-son-dont-have-any-of-my-own-need-advice, https://www.mamapedia.com/article/marriage-vs-living-together, https://www.mamapedia.com/article/im-not-a-name-has-been-removedim-not-even-a-wife, https://www.mamapedia.com/article/advice-on-failing-relationship, https://www.mamapedia.com/article/how-long-is-too-long-the-rest-of-the-story, https://www.mamapedia.com/article/need-advice-about-son-tick-s-girlfriend-not-feeling-comfortable-at-our-home, https://www.mamapedia.com/article/how-do-i-deal-with-a-fieanicse-living-with-me-before-marriage. You can't live your life for your son. There are quite a few Movies that deal with this type of situation that will be great things to think about. If she wakes up before me, she will make the coffee and do the dishes. I sat there for almost an hour before he agreed to sign it. Or you may think she's one of the best things to happen to your son. We all live within an hour of each other, or less. Many men (or women) do that ie: they don't want a serious relationship so they don't obtain a "serious" caliber/level girlfriend/boyfriend. 1. Good luck! Does her family have traditions that they follow for halidays? I am divorced and on a limited income, so cannot provide the things that her parents can, but try to do what I can on holidays, special occasions, within my means. IHis girlfriend has not made any attempt to get to know me, although I have made many attempts with her (taking her to lunch, dinner, shopping). When you first meet someone, being swept off your feet can feel fun and exciting. She knew it would only make things worse if she was openly hostile to him since I would have taken his side. But I cant do that without telling him I went snooping through his girlfriends things. Tis' the reason for many changes in relationships. If your son is in a controlling relationship, its likely that he doesnt see the red flags. A college degree of any sort is something to be proud of. You might also ask his closest friend, cousin or sibling to talk with him. Ultimately, your son should make his own decisions about who he wants to be with even if its someone you dont approve of. Our entire family and circle of friends have witnessed her rudeness at family bbq's, birthday parties etc. Even if it's positive change. Be patient and be accepting! All rights reserved. He will make mistakes, some little and some big. Being your son is so smart and successful maybe he knows this. Demanding commitment. 2) It doesnt matter if she is "highly educated" or not. Iesha is a loving mother of 2 beautiful children. It is amazing what we see on the outside looking in. Make peace and enjoy life. You don't need to go on about how she dresses, that's very petty and you will alienate yourself from your son. I got a call from his girlfriend in the early hours of the morning, telling me that he wasnt breathing. And in the meantime, treat yourself to something you want! Let the man be a man. It was at that point I realized I was going to have to start bending on holidays. Don't sacrifice yourself, your marriage, or your family for this situation. If this is the case, try to focus on staying civil when around each other and limit contact as much as possible. Don't let your son or his choice of girlfriends ruin the best times of your life. ie: those you marry and those you don't (and are just for fun). So, Thus, maybe he does know that this girl is not a marrying kind and so does not really care how she acts but probably, for now, he does not want a serious girlfriend anyway. You said that her mother never followed up, so how come you haven't called back to ask about plans? You've obviously done something right. Let go of judging her and try to find something redeemable about her. If they do get married he WILL pick HER over YOU when things happen. One of the most important things you can do is encourage your son to stand up for himself within the relationship . Try to encourage him to open up about how hes feeling and what kind of dynamic exists between him and his girlfriend. If your wife has said that she wants a divorce but has not yet filed for one, it is possible that she is simply undecided or unsure about whether she actually wants to go through with the divorce. These theories attempt to explain why individuals are motivated to act in certain ways and what factors influence their behavior. Neediness. My FIL and MIL (independently and on seperate occasions) eventually confided to me that they thought my husband and I were "more compatible than they (MIL & FIL) were.". If your son is unwilling to talk about the issue, then you may need to take a step back and focus on your own relationship with him. If the situation is causing tension between you and your son, it may be helpful to seek out counseling or therapy. You DO NOT have to tolerate her bad behavior towards you and you can simply take your son aside and CALMLY tell him why you don't want to invite her over..that she is rude to YOU. My inlaws to this day continue to badmouth my husband, myself and our children and they don't even know our last 2 children. She's an active parent who enjoys indoor and outdoor adventures with her family. But be very careful. Therefore I have anxiety before we get together with them. If they are spending much time together and less time on school or other activities. If I have done anything to offend anyone, I am not aware, and have asked several times. Nothing that his parents have tried. The silver lining is that neither marriage produced children (thank God). This can be a difficult situation to deal with, but its important to try to talk to her about how shes feeling and see if theres anything you can do to help her feel more included in the family. Without the drama, I've even had time to join a gardening club and take up a new hobby. It seems the younger siblings need a lesson in this too, if she treats them badly. This is what happens sometimes with couples and holidays. Ex HusbandS Girlfriend Interfering With Child Custody? There is no way that he will choose you over her because she is meeting some need that he has and he either loves her or is willing to be with her for whatever reason. If you warm up to her, you might even find that she reciprocates. It should not be something this hard to just want happiness and laughter for our sons and our lives. However, this shouldnt deter you from educating him about healthy relationships, especially if you have the feeling that my sons girlfriend is manipulative. Other obvious signs that should prompt you to take action on this matter are: Also, parents need to understand why their sons commit to any manipulative relationship before taking any action. 1M views, 14K likes, 207 loves, 378 comments, 1.1K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Oyiza comedy: Son chooses girlfriend over mom I work very hard, and devoted my life to raising my kids. Its normal for your adolescent boy to separate from his family. Invite him AND her to do something for your birthday. Hi Lori, It can be difficult to accept that your son is in a relationship with someone you dont like. The reality star only took photos with daughter Hannah, according to a . If you have a manipulative daughter in law, there are a few things you can do to deal with the situation. But he needs to see it for himself. Most children live what they learn. As far as MIL's go, I don't know many that approve of their perfect son's choices in women. For example, what if you had to choose between your family and your significant other? Someone else should be taking care of hershe takes care of no one. A bit of a back story on their relationship, my son has been very best friends with his girlfriend (26f) since he was 14 or 15. Help him learn how to communicate effectively with his girlfriend. Who cares. I did something I should not have. Your son is an adult. Was your family the one you spent the most time with or in other ways did it feel like the primary extended family relationship (i.e., was your mom Grandma and your ex's mom Grandma Cookie?) Once he sees the warning signs, it will be easier for him make a change. Thank you everyone for your responses. My gut tells me she may be the source of these issues, and my son seems to want to please her as well. If your son is controlling his girlfriend, its important to talk to him about it. So now almost 2.5 yrs later I should try harder? In other words, don't take some of these other responses personally. If your son eventually marries her it's much better to have him in your life w/her than to alienate him and risk not having him because of tension between you & her. I'm an adult and they don't fault me for it. Plain and simple, you are treating her the way she is treating you. Its your parental responsibility to take action and start a conversation with your son about his manipulative partner. Also, I have initiated contact ,extended many invitations, and have been rejected each time. No one in this world is perfect. Often, controlling people fear losing power and a need to influence the world . Dating a Guy with a Son, Dont Have Any of My Own, Need Advice!!!!! I won't give him gas money to give to her for running him around, I don't bail him out when they need anything. Wow. All you will do is come off as controlling and he will distance himself from you to be with her. Parenting reaches a whole new level of complications when your precious little boy becomes aware of their sexual feelings. Anything negative he conveniently forgets. He will appreciate and respect you more with the way you handled this once it's all over and he will feel better introducing you to the next one rather than be afraid to bring someone in the future home for fear you will also not like that one. wish you the best keep in touch I live in California how about you guys:) I have several organization you might be interested in helping:), sincerely The guy who was "below me" ended up divorcing ME. 1. Rehearsal Dinners, Bridal Showers & Parties, Flower Girl Dresses and Ring Bearer Outfits, Re: i have lost my son to his future in-laws. 2.) Advertisementif(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'mamapedia_com-box-3','ezslot_14',679,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-mamapedia_com-box-3-0'); My highly educated son, YALE GRADUATE, UCLA LAW SCHOOL grad, just passed California Bar 1st time, so now he is a lawyer AND has a job! If your son has not started to insist that you include her, then maybe it is not so serious. YOu need to do everything you can to make this relationship work. Hope things work out well. You may want to find out why she despises you, and go from there. That whole "saving face" thing is a huge thing to sacrifice for the love of a child and grandchild.) All he thinks about is his girlfriend will feel and not me or his brother. Be thankful you have that. My side asked subtle questions, gave subtle hints regarding their incompatibility and yes, they still married. I just wish this person just wouldn't have even met my son at all and that is terrible to state or even feel . We must all make our own path and find our own way, learning as we go along. That to me seems like the weirdest thing. I did not inform her when I was getting divorced. Pray for her. Maybe she is attacking you because you are attacking her? As parents, there can be clear signs that my sons girlfriend is manipulative. I would just be careful not to put too much pressure on him; it sounds like your two other children have some stuff going on, and it might become easier to "depend" on this son for all the closeness you want with all three kids (I hope that makes sense). Just to give you a quick synopsis of current standing. You may want to introduce an activity that keeps them occupied instead of spending time with the manipulative partner. 281K subscribers in the throatbarrier community. The scope of the background check may include but is not limited to: criminal history, credit history, driving record, and previous employment verification. But if you are rude to her, then she is probally feeling that and just her way of returning it. Things may change in the future, but we both need some space to live our own lives at this point in time. All You Need to Know, My Daughters Boyfriend Is Ruining Our Relationship. The only other thing I would take into consideration is to ask yourself if your son really seems happy with her. When he gets bored, he will dump her and hopefully find someone that you will like better :) For her being rude to you and your family, thats unexceptable and he should put a stop to it! from YALE. Not every family would do that. I have taken the high road and its out of my hands in God's hands now. It's stressful sometimes. You seem to be criticizing her every move and calling her dumb? But the new house is beautiful and much bigger and there is even a backyard for his dog! And it did two Christmases ago. My son will call occasionally, but it is usually when he is alone. So for sure I am in defense mode when they talk with me. ParentalQuestions.com is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com and its partnered brands/websites. You risk putting a wedge between you and your son if try and get him to leave her. I'm a Communication Studies Graduate Studentand if she knows anything about our fieldshe should be able to communicate much more appropriately than described. In this heart-wrenching post, a father shares his story of evicting his son and pregnant girlfriend due to his son's relationship with his biological father. Growing up, we never spent time with my dad's family - every holiday belonged to my mom's family. We have continuiously tried to accept this girl trying to look at things in every light , letting him make his own choices and decisions, as a lot of you have said and it has totally only let her feel she again has gotten her way. In the event he decides to marry herit will be easier for all those involved if you make the peace now. Does her family pressure them about spending holidays with them? You started out this post with COMPLAINTS about how they broke up, which seems like a normally and healthy reaction when a relationship is not working, but you're mad because they didn't stick it out to the point of resentment and hating each other. If it doesn't wear off, however, maybe there is another way to connect with your son. Wow. State Farm will conduct an employment background check on all applicants who have been extended a job offer. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); My Sons Girlfriend Is Manipulative 3 Ways To Cope, on My Sons Girlfriend Is Manipulative 3 Ways To Cope, 1. The girlfriend literally is not aware that your son has living parents? ?.Well that is a question you should sit back and really think about. His relationship with his girlfriend is clearly serving him in some way, whether you recognize it or not. Motivation refers to the psychological processes that drive and direct behavior towards achieving goals. But losing a child to drugs is a special kind of hell. Offer support and advice, but ultimately let him make his own decision. Its not uncommon for young adults to want to control their partner. he was the first to get married and leave home even though he was not the oldest, so I don't think they were prepared. The man who was "above me" and I have been together through thick and thin. Its been two years since my son passed away, and not a day goes by that I dont think about him. He may be blinded by love or simply unaware of what constitutes a healthy relationship. Its vital to have this sit-down immediately when you suspect any of the manipulative signs. He chose her (he's not a victim), so that says that he has other weaknesses in his character. Be wise and look at the big picture. Furthermore, your opposition to his girlfriend can only serve to deteriorate the relationship you currently have with your son. You mentioned that your son is this high educated young man, so has he not seen all these things you mentioned, it sounds to me like she has a ring in his nose, and he doesn't even see, it that's not to smart.Or he see's something in her the rest of you don't see, so sit down with him,ask him what attracted him to this woman, ask him what her strenghts and weaknesses are. I would continue to try and limit your exposure to her and let her foul behavior and attitude roll right off. God Bless. 3. grit your teeth and be as decent to her as you can. My Wife Left Me But DoesnT Want a Divorce, How Much Do State Farm Agency Owners Make. I've been with my bf over two years and am just warming up to his mother. The father, who discovered his wife's infidelity years ago, has been raising his son as his own but now feels disrespected and disregarded. If you are more concerned about your son walking away, then, by all means, put on a happy face. Wow! if you sit down with your son you may learn some things that you don't know about, I did about my 22 year old sons girl friend, she come from a mother who has the morals of a toilet seat, and the maternal instict of a potatoe, and I didn't want these people to be my sons inlaws one day, but over the past 5 years, I have grown to love this young lady, who doesn't always make good choices for herself, but understandabled, my son loves her and I love my son, and thats what it boils down too. He is now extremely devoted to his girlfriend's family, to the point where I rarely see or hear from him. That is so important. You're never going to welcome her the way it should be, but for the sake of your relationship with your son, you need to put on your game face and let him make his own decisions and live his own life. The best piece of advice I can give you is to wait it out. She was disappointed because my son was moving away with his family, and said that my son promised her that they would look for a place next year when the new lease is up. There is a social hierarchy with a code of acceptance or rejection. . And if it means hanging out and/or going on vacation so be it. Your son should 100% chose his girlfriend over you. . Confronting them will not likely end well. Now his girlfriend caused drama with him for everyone in our family and has just about taken all the fun out of our family . Ifyoursonis in an abusive or otherwise dangerousrelationship , dont hesitate toreach outfor professional help . However, the only thing you can truly do is ask your son what he see's in her and ask him what his intentions are? You have to take care of yourself.You've raised your son, and you've looked out for him by telling him about the stop sign. So you proposing to her and her already living with you is only her means of 'escape'. His father is very vocal about his opinion and that creates issues. Who would you choose? 4. Required fields are marked *. This has happened in my family, as well. I can go on and on. You will not be able to do much to about the girl's personality and behavior, but the depth of the relationship and communication with your son will determine how much peace you can make. And, even though we haven't discussed it yet, we will probably spend Father's Day with my family, and I will poke him to call his dad and step-dad. J. Wow. Your email address will not be published. I cant help but blame myself for what happened. July 20, 2016 On a Friday in June, I called my father, Keith*, to make plans for Father's Day. It could be that shes simply trying to protect him from something or someone in your family. Finally. Sorry if thsi comes across harshly, I just hate ot read about anyone, even a stranger, acting like the situation you are in is the end of hte world. Regardless of your opinion of this girl, you need to take a step back and see what is really going onyou seem to have feelings of hatred and anger/bitterness in your heart towards her. "My girlfriend, is sweet, funny, beautiful, and personable. His family is very close knit and they have traditions that they follow which makes celebrating very special for BF, which in turn makes it harder for him to want to miss holidays with his family. Without telling him I went snooping through his girlfriends things toreach outfor professional help him, even if you to! And outdoor adventures with her about what is going on and why it is acceptable. To choose between your family someone that my parents disapprove this is the case try. Mean, she is attacking you because you are attacking her event he to! Rudely to you and the others, is reprehensible ifyoursonis in an abusive or otherwise dangerousrelationship, dont hesitate outfor! 3. 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