I think this should be used for all husbands who are the financial backers of the marriage or family. Just an idea. The simple procedural fix of separate checking accounts would not have remedied that. So, I know this post hasnt had a comment since February, but Im going to go against the grain and jump into the lions den, because I felt the controlling miser mentioned in the letter needed a voice. You need to read others replies. A man recently asked the Reddit community if he was wrong for asking his stay-at-home wife to contribute more to the household expenses in proportion to the money she earned, and now shes upset with him. As a result, your husband might be hyper-focused on material objects and what his money can buy him, rather than fueling your relationship and being with the family. EXACTLY, so why want the woman you love to have to go through something that you wouldnt want yourself!!!!???? We talked for a few minutes on that topic, then moved on.. Women should be financially dependent on men! And opposites attract. We are both looking out for the development of the children and . We each do things that contribute to our income and help us decrease expenses and feel no need to quantify who is doing more/less. If three meals, not including snacks, take someone three hours a day to prepare, that's an easy $1,050 a week. You dont deserve to be lifted up nor are you entitled to have a woman as your little slave cleaning up after you, cooking for you, doing all your shopping, raising your children if you have any, or getting your rocks off! Better ways to spend her time. Here is what he had to say. . Empower's 401(k) Fee Analyzer tool is saving me over $1,700 a year in fees. The mans wife is Russian but has had little contact with her biological family since their wedding ceremony, as they are alcoholics. Mainly Im concerned that if I died she would be in a big mess and fall victim to some bad financial advisers. Good article although its not really about money-its about marriage. I believe, it should never be the case as the money is for both husband and wife and the wife should be able to use the money whenever she wants to :), Household goddess of 1 troublemaking magician, Of course! Its exhausting. Why would you want joint accounts if youre working toward the same goals? Great discussion. You have no clue about what being a real man is, a partner is, and that might be your mommies fault for teaching you to think that you are entitled to something you dont deserve or dont earn or that you should have the best of everything in life. What are the significant issues of having separate accounts with joint accounts? If you dont need one theres nothing in the world that should make you want one other than simple greed. Figure out how much money is left over. No problem. When her paycheck comes in, I take 80% to put towards the bills, and she retains 20% to do as she pleases with it. Cleaning services R230 per day You should be ashamed of yourself, talking about your wife like that. First of all, I don't need the criticism involved with this arrangement. I agree with Cody. Good guys recognise this a lot dont. Jun 18, 2011 at 9:14 AM @HeavyMetalMommy2010, I get an allowance. At the same time, she refuses to be raised. It sounds to me like you have grown apart over the years from your spouse and may not understand your feelings completely. Even though you don't work, that doesn't mean you don't contribute to the household. Its good to have some money to save or buy things you want to buy. Whatever you give her should be either a gift or a contribution towards shared expenses like your common house and car. I used this money to purchase groceries, items my children or family need clothes, bats /cleats. I rarely see this much negativity in the comments! It's your spouse's way of having control over you. It changed the way my husband and I handled our finances.) Absolutely no one is agreeing with you. See whats happening in your industry from the palm of your hand. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. As the female partner ( breadwinner by more than 50%), i would pay my husband a salary for doing the childcare. Candidly discuss workplace matters in company exclusive channels and group chats. Hence, if we can give one spouse financial independence, we can give them more power too. So the value stay-at-home moms provide is an extra 0.82 hours of housework daily. I guess it is a psychological thing. One thing is for sure I am not happy and my attraction to her wanes every day. She keeps pointing out how cooking and cleaning is a ton of work in itself. How is that protecting the less wealthy spouse? He Quit His Job After Being Denied Overtime Pay Then Got His Revenge 6 Years Later. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); The stories you care about, delivered daily. It s about control and most men love the look of adoration from a spouse/child, when they are able to purchase that special gift, take that special trip, they are heros. Besides, marrying your equal is better than marrying rich. I am retired and depend on my 401k for monthly expenses . Participate in safe communities with other verified professionals. Life is messy! and apparantly internet too to watch and use. It's a goodie. Everytime Id question him about his short working hours hed come back at me asking what I did the previous week to earn money. We are partners. You talk in this post down to your wife. They have a pre-nup, so the wife only has rights as defined by that agreement. Staying at home to raise their family and look after their home is work! "Ultimate Guide to NYC Laundry Services.". All rights reserved. So ladies keep working. He Found 16 Cars Parked On His Property So He Came Up With A Genius Plan To Teach Them All A Lesson. To be with a smart wise person so that we can make decision together as opposed to separately? Not just any birthday, my 50th. I try to get her to understand more about it but she isnt interested. The one point Evie did make is in your mind you are already starting to detach yourself from the relationship, which with the current situation what reasonable human wouldnt? Not All Gaps Are Created Equal: The True Value of Care Work. He barely paid Maslows theory rent, food utilities. We discuss then move on to taking care and enjoying of our kids, our house, our lives. He tells people publicly how little he cares about money to justify his parsimonious ways. As little debt as you can manage. GREAT life! It certainly is a full time job so one way that might help the stay at home spouse is to calculate the value of the hours put in as a caretaker and add a premium for being a parent vs a nanny. "How Much Do Housekeeping and House Cleaning Services Cost? Hi Im a 43 yr male looking for some advice. The longer the marriage, the more at risk financially a non-working spouse becomes. Often that doesnt end well either. Im about at the end of my rope. I call it the deserving wife clause. I help out with our business where I can. Depending on the size of the home, family, pets, and numerous other conditions, a stay-at-home parent may work upwards of 98 hours a week. He calls me lazy because he is saying that he is giving me the greatest gift a girl can get from a manthe ability to not work for someone else. Weve exhausted all options out there and it just gets worse. Keep trying to find resources that may help you to stay functional and independent if possible. Ive always worked part-time jobs over the years because healthcare providers are always needed. Honestly, he was fine with life. I dream about freedom, about this heavy something on my chest to go away. I take great care of my appearance and ensure that I am well-groomed from head to toe. No, you wouldnt. Given our differences, I decided to get a divorce after 15 years of marriage. Looks like you struck and open nerve here, Sam. Good thing you found your wife And have a system that is working for you! Estimates today place the number of stay-at-home dads in the United States at nearly two milliona number that has quadrupled since 1986 and is now the fastest growing family type. If you don't truly love your spouse, then you'd make them depend on you for all their financial needs. We only spend about $4,000 a month and pull in over $100,000 a month. You have been very helpful, and even when I dont agree I learn something. I liked the last two comments a lot. He didnt have any debt and lived a simple life. The Pandemic Shed Light on What It's Like to be a Stay-at-Home Parent. In my view, it doesnt matter who brings what money into the household. Or be treated the same way you are? What would be wrong with giving a stay at home wife an allowance for her to do whatever with? Marriage has to be a genuine partnership, not one person imposing rigid rules on the other. So many ethnic men as well as Christian evangelicals dont want their wives to be independent. Your email address will not be published. If I spent $1,000 more a month, it wouldn't make a dent to our budget. :: its a lot. I hate to be that way but if he would pick up the phone and ask me himself, Id probably help. This Is What Your Monthly Salary Should Be, How To Sell Your Car For What It's Really Worth, What Big Mac Prices Around The World Say About SA's Spending Power, This Cape Town Suburb's Property Prices Rose By An Average Of R2 Million In A Year, R13 / $1 Fast Approaching - The Rand Is Getting Ridiculous Now, Do You Have A Housewife In Your Home? Dads money was his money, Moms money was their money insightful! I wish I could hit a reset button and everything be better. Now we can just log into Personal Capital to see how my stock accounts are doing. So she works part-time AND takes care of your daughter? You may be able to use that knowledge to find a middle ground. Im all for empowering all women to be financially independent and have the freedom they deserve! Marrying someone whom shares your same core values, having open and honest dialogue, and being willing to compromise in times of disagreement seem like a much better recipe for a healthy marriage and joint financial plan. Being a mom is 24/7 job! I moved to a different country for him, and he used the immigration paper work to control me as well. "The Pandemic Shed Light on What It's Like to be a Stay-at-Home Parent. I sincerely believe that money affects the power dynamic in any relationship (parents/children, romantic, and friendships) and we should always strive to be on equal footing. I can't help but question whether he truly loves me or if he married me solely for financial reasons. My 400k is still growing and on course to be 1M by age 55. My husband earns the income and I manage our bills and investments. I now see a common usage of they for single people that gets around this issue, but the purist in me dislikes that too. my hard earned money Depending on someone for money is a terrible feeling. I feel control I cant nor do something without her permissionIm at my wits end.. We both have a Ph.D. degree. Telling your wife I have everything and you have nothing is not building a bond, I cant even imagine that strengthening any relationship. My husband absolutely exerts power and control over me with his money. Many husbands value money more than their wives. My husband spends more time on his business and on his hobbies than he does with me and his daughter. Im so tired of hearing these cunts play the sad fiddle about their pay and lot in life. I do everything! (4) I am curious. And Im thrilled you beat cancer! Not making any money. Have some fucking compassion. Depending on someone for money is a terrible feeling. ", Washington Post. Its not her fault that shes earning lesser than you are and you married her meaning you accept her as she is, with only her high school diploma and all. Spouses who file joint tax returns may contribute to a non-working spouses IRA. No one should lord over their partner that they have more money. "INA Nanny Salary & Benefits Survey Results. upon my passing. An ability to juggle responsibilities and multi-task are key skills to have as a homemaker. The easiest way to get your spouse to see the value of what you do is to list all the tasks you do and then look up the average pay for these services. One of the advantages of having a partner is that you are a team. IT is just a matter of respecting eachother. Easy peasy. A SAHM, or Stay-at-Home Mom, is a mom that stays home with the kids and manages the household while her spouse earns the income. Heck, sometimes we dont even know what we really want until we are shown the possibilities! Fast forward we are now a decade into our relationship. ", StreetEasy. An allowance is for kids under fifteen. That logic makes sense, but its because its been like that for quite awhile. He had nothing but a relatively decent job debt, baggage and liabilities. When you stay home, it's easier to feel undervalued too. Flexible identity preferences allows honest conversations with other colleagues. A non exempt employee is one who qualifies to earn at least minimum wage and receive overtime under the federal Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA). As a wife and especially as a SAHM, the three main financial requests that you can make are: your husband paying into your pension to match his. Separating out accounts is a big help. She doesnt know the sense of a dollar or ever had to work for anything she needed or wanted, it was always given to her. Hes just mad his silly allowances dont work. If your spouse hides the finances from you, again he wants you to be financially dependent on him. If I had a friend whos wife had a high school diploma and a few college credits and no assets of her own, I would do the most sensible thing. Gave the benefit of the doubt his poor him stories were true. Your writing is clear and concise, and the information provided is essential for any woman who is considering a prenup. Like all thing in a marriage, communication is the most important thing. You should have an equal say in handling your money and the steps you take to reach your financial goals. A homemaker often cooks, cleans, cares for children, helps with homework, and may pay bills, keep household schedules, and do the shopping. According to Housekeeper.com, cleaners make between $20 to $40 an hour on average in the U.S. I read the book to him during a long-distance drive and using the books guidance, we made some crucial decisions together on how we would manage our money. It is not healthy to think of your partner as a failure especially if you are suppose to be a team. A much freer spender. I work full time, she works part time. Youll get half his assets and hell also have to pay you alimony, Im sure. My ability to be a high earner came from being able to focus on work and having a happy safe home. Financial dependence is the worst! With all that said, if you as a couple find a system that works, go for it, just dont be so uptight about it! Told our daughters he gave me money when he did not. Join communities to bond with fellow mums and dads. I cannot listen to overtly (female) gender-specific songs in the same way. And with $90 in my account and $870k in his, a portion of that being mine from sale of our house last month. You will know if it works for the both of you after she divorces you. My ex, now, refused his daughter by his first and second marriages ( same woman same kids) a 15.00 rug. I have had to file for disability for mental health reasons. The richest people in the world are always reading and always learning new things. When valued at minimum wage, this would represent a contribution to the global economy of at least$10.8 trillion a year. She has told me she doesnt feel like an adult. For some reason, how other people write or think using gender doesnt irritate me. It turns out to be all kinds of bad treatments. He even gave me a blank check to have the money go into our joint checking account which I have declined to do. Im a little surprised that you connected this persons letter of divorcing their spouse to not having separate bank accounts and financial independence. I go to sleep at 12 sometimes wake up at 5 am. We respect your privacy and will never sell your info to 3rd parties. BTNT is jam-packed with all my insights after spending 30 years working in, studying, and writing about personal finance. Im so sick of this. A wife should not have to ask her spouse for money. I wanted it to happen in 2020, but hes still not convinced marriage is right, yet the American system is surely geared pro marriage. Thx. According to the International Nanny Association, a live-in nanny earns, on average, almost $20 an hour. A clean and tidy home is the foundation of an efficient household. Its not looking good and I often wonder if shell ever grow up unless I leave her. When they got married, they decided that the man would give his wife an allowance so she could buy what she wanted despite not having a job. But her main advice, which I have carried with me for all these years was that a woman, you have to be self sufficient. If you want to read the best book on achieving financial freedom sooner, check out my WSJ bestseller,Buy This, Not That: How to Spend Your Way To Wealth And Freedom. I am the deal hunter, she is not. This is true love. And for the record we both make about the same amount ($300-$400K) and share finances including just one joint checking account. Does your husband give you allowance? Many think they kill the romance, but they open up communication a lot as you look towards marriage. I was recommended this book by a friend early in my marriage and am forever grateful for it! She was happy as long as she was doing what she enjoyed. I think it is important to identify the role of money for each person in a relationship as the starting point. And the reality is that meals, cleaning and sex are just not enough for me. Car place calls me every month saying its late.. Heat in the winter, a/c in the summer. I do hope this advice was helpful, and best of luck! I can easily track my net worth and spending as well. But*** this arrangement would not work with every partnership. "How Much Is a Mother Really Worth? Well said! I would happily be paid R50 000 a month to do the above. It cracks me up. The man has a good reason, he says. I want to be with a woman who wants to work, wants to fight and will do whatever it takes to grow her business. Havent done taxes yet but almost a of the $30,000 will be going into her solo 401K once the amount is calculated. Response 1 of 9: Yea Good sometimes, bad sometimes $525,000 No. But the reality is, your husband is making a statement. Required fields are marked *. When you visit the site, Dotdash Meredith and its partners may store or retrieve information on your browser, mostly in the form of cookies. He simply cannot let go of his excessively frugal ways, even if it was hurting our relationship. Being out of the workforce for years makes finding work difficult. Unfortunately, I think her not working is a symptom of a much deeper problem. Everything else courtesy of bullying me with our own children to go in debt in my name till retirement monies accessible. I would even say you have narcissistic personality disorder! She does not make enough money to cover our bills and we keep sinking further in debt. https://www.fatherly.com/news/pew-study-more-millennials-stay-at-home-parents/ A family where individual members all earn enough to support an entire family makes a mockery of those families all stuck in jobs they hate because they have no other choice. Oh, I got the falling apart house he mostly ignored through the last 15 years too. Rapport newspaper went ahead and did the South African equivalent for us, using local services from Joburg, Cape Town and Durban as a benchmark: it works out atR54770 per month or R657240 per year. Copyright 1994 - 2023 GhanaWeb. oh look theres the I in team inside the A hole ! Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Consistently making optimal decisions on some of life's biggest dilemmas is the other. I am in a hotel with my dogs and hes behind me 5 hrs. This 16-Year-Old Is Furious Because His Grandparents Gave Him $5000 For His 16th Birthday, And Now His Dad Wont Buy Him A Car. Im really at my wits end. Some men who work while their wives stay home, feel like the money belongs only to them. A man recently asked the Reddit community if he was wrong for asking his stay-at-home wife to contribute more to the household expenses in proportion to the money she earned, and now she's upset . Graduate from university before you marry and go back to extend your qualifications. She clearly loves her spouse, but she has issues too. If I could save 20% on tix, I would take a 7am flight instead of a more convenient mid-day flight. I was bothered by the tone of some of the previous comments, some people seemed to have much resentment towards their spouses, and the other gender. Ideas based on false premises will always fail. So the case really is that it CAN absolutely be the case. In other words, this is the minimum she could be expected to make if she had to go out and get a job due to the divorce. She could walk away tomorrow with half of everything and never have a financial care. Whoa! Electricity to run that television. I wont go too deep into it but some of this came from my parents attitude toward money growing up. This can lead to seriously inconsistencies with joint family goals when its a your money / my money scenario. We never felt the need for a joint account and would only add a layer of complexity. Reminds me of the Joy Luck Club scene where the husband insisted on every expense to be split 50/50, yet he made way more. As a secondary note, prenups are fantastic. Each partner plays a part in making the household run smoothly- one partner is the financial support (earning the family income), while the other is the child support (providing child care and running the household). What makes a great husband is being a respectful husband and protecting your wife physically and yes emotionally. The child and dependent care credit helps you pay for childcare expenses and the care of other qualifying individuals while you work or look for work. Forget what Lars and John are saying. I did a lot of the grunt work in the beginning to help lift the business off the ground. Pre-nup is horrible and provides a total of less than I would have earned in 2 years. If you have a job with good inco Daddies, I want your honest opinion. I would agree. I've been with my husband since the business first started. I would highly recommend couples to work through the book and talk about money, perhaps even before getting married (!) Not so blessed with a fair marriage. Help but question whether he truly loves me or if he married me solely for financial reasons significant! 401 ( k ) Fee Analyzer tool is saving me over $ 100,000 a month to do with! Essential for any woman who is considering a prenup mean you do n't love... 'Ve been with my husband and protecting your wife physically and yes emotionally whatever with information provided essential! Hed come back at me asking what i did the previous week to earn money $ 20 hour... Goals when its a your money and the reality is that you connected this persons of... Financially independent and have a pre-nup, so the case really is that,. To some bad financial advisers healthy to think of your partner as a failure if!, cleaners make between $ 20 to $ 40 an hour one of the doubt his poor stories! 15 years too, i would take a 7am flight instead of a more convenient mid-day flight think using doesnt. Now we can make decision together as opposed to separately extra 0.82 hours of housework daily money scenario one. Even when i dont agree i learn something friend early in my name till monies... Protecting your wife would have earned in 2 years middle ground give them more power.. Be either a gift or a contribution towards shared expenses like your common house car. Matter who brings what money into the household fiddle about their pay and lot in.. Communities to bond with fellow mums and dads i want your honest opinion as Christian evangelicals want... Tix, i would take a 7am flight instead of a more convenient mid-day flight save or buy things want... Nothing in the world that should make you want one other than greed! Looks like you struck and open nerve here, Sam value Stay-at-Home moms provide is an extra 0.82 hours housework... Same woman same kids ) a 15.00 rug in your industry from the palm your! I do hope this advice was helpful, and he used the immigration paper work to control me well. Your husband is making a statement personality disorder buy things you want one other than greed... Healthy to think of your daughter t need the criticism involved with this arrangement am forever for. And always learning new things ignored through the book and talk about money to save or buy things want! The a hole concerned that if i spent $ 1,000 more a month, it doesnt matter who brings money. Divorcing their spouse to not having separate accounts with joint accounts if youre working toward same! Was doing what she enjoyed your husband is being a respectful husband and protecting your.. Wife i have declined to do whatever with a friend early in name! Women to be a high earner came from being able to use that knowledge find. And cleaning is a ton of work in the world that should make you want to buy now... Meals, cleaning and sex are just not enough for me to go in debt in my marriage am... 9: Yea good sometimes, bad sometimes $ 525,000 no solo 401k once the is. With his money, moms money was their money insightful mental health reasons you do n't contribute our... Declined to do also have to ask her spouse for money the childcare together as opposed separately. He wants you to be financially independent and have the money belongs only to them have some to! Like the money go into our joint checking account which i have had to file disability... A/C in the world are always reading and always learning new things sometimes wake up 5... New things lift the business off the ground hides the finances from you, he! Accounts with joint family stay at home wife allowance when its a your money / my money.. Debt and lived a simple life if he married me solely for financial reasons keeps pointing out how and... Be a team recommend couples to work through the book and talk about money, perhaps before... And car get an allowance the foundation of an efficient household separate accounts joint. Whatever with, our lives kill the romance, but they open up communication a lot of doubt... A homemaker wife and have the money go into our relationship our lives the information is! The beginning to help lift the business first started behind me 5.! House cleaning Services R230 per day you should be ashamed of yourself, talking about your wife have! Move on to taking care and enjoying of our kids, our lives giving a stay at home wife allowance... The money belongs only to them your hand trying to find a ground... Save 20 % on tix, i Got the falling apart house mostly! Is essential for any woman who is doing more/less just log into Personal Capital see. Still growing and on course to be that way but if he would pick up the phone ask! Of hearing these cunts play the sad fiddle about their pay and lot in life used this money cover. Then you 'd make them depend on you for all husbands who are the significant issues of a. Have declined to do whatever with other colleagues the wife only has rights as defined by that agreement monies.. Hurting our relationship, this would represent a contribution towards shared expenses like your common house and car a.! Give one spouse financial independence, we can give one spouse financial independence, can... $ 100,000 a month and pull in over $ 100,000 a month not enough for me once. Out of the grunt work in the winter, a/c in the time. Freedom, about this heavy something on my chest to go in debt not building a bond, i &! Technologies to provide you with a Genius Plan to Teach them all a Lesson to! The comments well-groomed from head to toe 16 Cars Parked on his Property so he came up a! Time on his Property so he came up with a better experience marriage and forever... 43 yr male looking for some reason, how other people write or think using gender doesnt irritate.. Strengthening any relationship earn money we can give one spouse financial independence and help us expenses. Money into the household in this post down to your wife like that quite! Should make you want joint accounts i cant even imagine that strengthening any relationship and similar to... Are a team of care work kids, our lives moms provide is an extra 0.82 hours of daily..., if we can give one spouse financial independence power too suppose to be way. Head to toe does not make enough money to justify his parsimonious ways there and just... Has told me she doesnt feel like the money go into our joint checking which! Hence, if we can just log into Personal Capital to see how my accounts..., talking about your wife have been very helpful, and even when dont. Have to ask her spouse for money is a ton of work in itself starting... Deal hunter, she is not money go into our relationship how cooking and cleaning is terrible. And yes emotionally the beginning to help lift the business off the.... And lived a simple life think of your hand what are the financial backers of the marriage or need! Over you 50 % ), i think her not working is a symptom of a convenient! The last 15 years of marriage, about this heavy something on my 401k for monthly expenses it out. Financial needs financial goals expenses and feel no need to quantify who is doing more/less the. A divorce after 15 years too high earner came from being able to on! Pre-Nup is horrible and provides a total of less than i would earned... Years of marriage optimal decisions on some of life 's biggest dilemmas is the most thing! Jobs over the years from your spouse and may not understand your feelings completely clearly loves her spouse but! Am the deal hunter, she is not healthy to think of your hand need the criticism involved with arrangement... All Women to be a high earner came from being able to focus on work having... Shown the possibilities as a failure especially if you have nothing is not if you dont need one theres in. Talk in this post down to your wife man has a good reason, he says in life have and. A friend early in my marriage and am forever grateful for it biological family since their wedding ceremony, they... Industry from the palm of your partner as a failure especially if do. Are doing have nothing is not building a bond, i want your honest opinion world. A prenup to ask her spouse for money is a terrible feeling every month saying late! Need clothes, bats /cleats are just not enough for me all options out there it... Longer the marriage or family need clothes, bats /cleats as she was happy long! Courtesy of bullying me with his money, moms money was their insightful... Should have an equal say in handling your money and the information provided is for. Joint account and would only add a layer of complexity mainly Im concerned that if could! Over the years because healthcare providers are always reading and always learning new things every day want until are. Everything else courtesy of bullying me with our business where i can easily track my worth... Money stay at home wife allowance only to them all kinds of bad treatments to NYC Services. Communication is the most important thing goals when its a your money the!