I do have very solid writing and communication skills, because I do have to talk to clients about their little fanged pests when I bring them up, but thats hardly going to be a stellar resume point, anyone can do that. For my wife, I pick her up after work and we go to breakfast. Most of the time Im the complainer in our household. single. Perhaps she has close friends that she could have reciprocal chat-and-venting conversations with on Zoom/FaceTime/etc (if she cant meet them in person). OP absolutely has a right to limit the incoming negativity and protect their own mental health. But who wants to be married to someone they see as their child? Similar situation: I am the uber-complainer and my husband, who doesnt work due to anxiety/PTSD disability issues had to put up with my constant griping and hours of kvetching about all the stupid I would deal with. This could either be your partners time to do these things on their own. Similarly, if one spouse had to take some time off due to a work-related injury, and they havent been maimed permanently, they should be able to get back to it once theyve healed. You also dont mention the industry shes in. Is it possible to open and close ROSAs several times? Not to be dramatic, but if my partner refused to stop emotionally dumping on me each day, I would probably separate eventually. Much like your wife, she doesnt want or need my advice, she just needs to feel heard and to get it all out ! You can't help her understand your side if you can't be completely sure you can explain it clearly. And thats not okay by any stretch of the imagination. Its not clear from the letter whether this wife works from home and that could be an issue? OP, how much do you talk about work? People Think Im Stupid (7 Things You Can Do), 5 Steps To Take When You Hurt Someone You Love, 35 Little Signs Your Ex Is Pretending To Be Over You, Why Do I Still Love Someone Who Hurts Me? (10 Possible Reasons), 11 Tips To Help You Cope With An Attention-Seeking Partner, 23 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Obsessed With You (In A Bad Way), Am I Too Much? (2 Ways Of Looking At It), 20 Reasons You Keep Getting Cheated On (+ Fixes For Each), When Your Spouse Wants A Divorce But Still Sleeps With You. She needs to release it, but it shouldnt be to you. She doesnt want you to solve her problems, she just wants you to listen. There are different modules you can go through, one for processing anger, another for looking back on your day and finding things to be grateful for, and so on. She stated that "You should not need to see every transaction that I make" so again my response which was taken not so well was "what do you mean I don't need to see every transaction, what are you trying to hide, you have the debit card to use, that's why we got it for you, so use it and if you have to have cash for some transaction, go to the ATM and get it" I personally do not take an allowance, I don't understand the point, if I need something I get it or ask my wife while she is out and about to get it for me. As I said, there is, in my opinion, no your money or my money, there is one income in our family unit and it is our income. What interpret from this is that you need to medicate yourself to make living with your partner tolerable, and that makes me sad. Otherwise we can get stuck in it all night. Its okay to say I can deal with ten minutes/can we only do this twice a week rather than every day/can you do this particular kind of venting at someone whos not me. Get that physical activity in, itll make you feel better. It seems to work ok for both of us :). I used to live with a nurse, and she had to do the 15-minute dump every day when she came home. I agree with other posters that they ought not to use venting as an excuse for inaction. This may not apply to you, but I want to share something else that has been helpful for me: when my partner complains, I have shifted to realizing that I need to allow her to feel the frustration, anger, hurt, or sadness (etc) without feeling like its a problem to solve because her problem is actually feeling *alone* in the feelings, not the feelings themself. A listening ear? If you need to find a way to vent somewhere, put it in a diary or a journal or something offline and password protected. With their spouse, they feel like they can safely let that all go, turn off the filter, let it flow out. You'd get fired for something like that. This is the only complaint/vent zone. Im not a complainer type so this was more of a one off, but Im glad he pointed it out to me, she took up a lot of my mental space considering I had no hand in managing her or dealing with her. I finally told him that I was going to bus home because I needed some peace and quiet before getting home. So why take up someones time explaining it to them? Is there a chance she feels any pressure from you, even unstated, to stay in this job? It is all about perception. Since a lot of their frustrations were tied to personal stressors, I suggested getting a therapist. A person may get absolutely exhausted being the primary breadwinner in a relationship, and when that one ends and they get involved with someone else, they decide that this time, theyll let the other person support them instead. But it is causing you stress. Our complain and vent time is when we take a short walk outside after work. well now Im starting to feel how you feel when I keep hearing about the work frustrations and I cant keep it in any longer. I explained to him that if anything, its anti-bonding to me and only makes me want to spend less time with a whiner. You may want to encourage her to speak up at work when something bothers her. She may be unaware how much complaining shes doing. I especially like the visual as I think it will help me remember to do it. My mom is a habitual complainer. Removed. #1 I should note that this isn't about my wife and I or even my parents. Unfortunately this was just a sticking plaster and as his employers became more unreasonable, his stress exploded. It would stress me out too much. If there are options she can take, this might help, butif she really hates her job and there are virtually no employment opportunities in the area and she has spent the last two year applying for other jobs but nothing is coming up, what are you going to do? might going to just rub in how limited her options are. if I keep quiet than Im going to need a complaining outlet too.. Parents are counseled that little kids try to be so good all day and then when they get home they fall apart on their parents because they feel safe. For years I have just held my tongue and listened and nodded, but I am tired of it. It is hard to balance work life with our partners when it is such a big part of our lives and our social lives have gotten so much smaller. Maybe you agree to limit the complaining to 10 minutes. How is this helpful to the OP? Marriage or a civil union commitment can make a lot of people feel wholly secure and comfortable, at which point they let go of various pretenses they were projecting up until that point. take it out on the staff so I didnt put my husband and kids through it.. However, Allisons suggestion to be explicit about how the complaining negatively effects you is spot on. I said although its normal to have a few complaints, or a bit of a moan after a bad day, lately every day seemed like a bad day and he was complaining about it for hours at a time, every single day. Its wearing to hear someones complaints, even when you know they are genuinely stressed and just need to vent. Just dont go into the conversation telling her she doesnt actually *need* to complain. Whats work for my husband and me is asking for permission to vent before starting. My husband asked me one day what I was going to do about all these things I was complaining about. I cant continue our current pattern of vent sessions, because it is creating too much stress for me, but Id be love to do something that makes things better for us both and takes a load off your shoulders. Healthcare, especially Nursing, is a horribly stressful job right now, so the least I can do is lend an ear. Its just a time to sit and and tell each other about our day, talk about family business, plan stuff, and vent (Oh yes and have a cocktail). You may even criticize it in yourself and wish you could stop it. Then the rest of the evening can be vent free. The biggest offenders in my workplace left, so there was less to complain about. Im more on the side of get heard while still in your work clothes, you get five minutes to talk about your day, then I get five minutes, then we change, and take the resentment off with our work clothes.. Identify the problem. She may or may not know what it is shes looking for out of the complaining, and its not your responsibility to help her figure it out. Just getting all the emotions out on paper helps so much and there was a time during the pandemic my sister could not listen to other people vent. How about we both share the best part of our day and the weirdest thing somebody said? If you can help her reframe the negativity into Wow people are so stupid/dumb/annoying that its funny! kind of mentality, that might help (note: Im not advocating making fun of people, but this is a strategy to move the complaints into a more positive light and possible help OP). Interestingly, theres a nearly identical question (details are different girlfriend instead of wife, etc.) And, to be honest, a lot of complaining is really a choice. I think this is a great idea. Instead, all their focus was on their own needs and wants. I actually had to have this conversation with my partner a few years ago. Since my wife is no longer employed (albeit working pretty hard, babies are demanding little bosses) she has obviously no personal income. Barring that, I have another friend whose husband pays a therapist so he can have a venting outlet because my friend couldnt take it anymore. He and a team of expert writers produce authentic, honest, and accessible advice on relationships, mental health, and life in general. Getting in the habit of complaining at length about the same annoyances every day doesnt accomplish much beyond tiring out everyone around youit doesnt reduce the number of annoyances or the degree to which they are annoying, it doesnt get your coworkers or your manager to shape up, it doesnt make your clients nicer/smarter/less frustrating, it doesnt sent out resumes, it doesnt do any of the things that would actually make the situation more bearable. Its more assurance that she has no other obligations/nobody has other expectations of her during that time so she can use her full headspace on whatever she wants. Or, if you are going to ask about work, try to ask first about positive things, that you know will be a more positive reaction. I told him that I knew he had struggled with depression and anxiety in the past, and as an observer outside of his head, it seems like his mood had taken a noticable downturn. :). I have since learned that ANY job would have had the same dynamic, which was helpful to realize. Why doesnt the letter writer try thinking more positively about her instead of asking she think more positively about her terrible job? I had to take about 2 hours after work to decompress but without complaining to him, just relaxing in the bathtub or emailing college friends or writing a journal. When you are both ready, choose a time when you're both calm and the baby won't need your immediate attention for at least half an hour. I had the same thought. -Hows going with Hobby You Enjoy? Best CheapOriginal 4 yr. ago You have a law degree and a law license and your wife has the audacity to belittle you? I had begged him for at least 5 years to put out applications at other companies. So put aside your judgment, and your feeling that your way is the better way and shes doing the wrong thing by complaining and focus on yourself. Great. Archived post. Ive used the timer approach too. My reply was in my view of the logical sort, "if you need to get something, then swipe the card, that's why you have it.". This was my parents dynamic for about 9 years. Therefore, as we apply practical concepts in handling our money, God provides godly wisdom. He needs to find a way to tell her what he needs without this level of raw emotion. Spouse and I have had a lot of success using techniques from the Gottman method, as taught to us by a marriage counselor. Youre right! Wanting a boundary on this and wanting his wife to find other resources is healthy. The suggestion of having a Zoom/Facetime/However It Works meeting with friends or a therapist is something Ive used starting during the pandemic and holy crap it helps SO MUCH. When you come home from work and complain about your day, I feel sad and upset, because I dont want to see you suffering, because I dont know what to do, and because I have found that when dealing with family and feelings, being able to express things in that formula helps you to understand your own feelings and express them clearly. But my husband made me aware, and of course I didnt want to torture him by forcing him to listen to the vent every day. For me, I usually feel worse after venting (because now I just brought all my work frustrations into free time! Id definitely throw something at his head its so condescending like sir, Im not 5, knock it off before I knock your head off! Best of luck to you both! It somehow makes people think that they are not spending money. My husband and I commuted (car-pooled) together, over an hour each way. Instead of a laundry list of all possible complaints. But with the caveat of kindly saying that support does not automatically equate to being on the receiving end of all the venting all the time, and push for limits on how much and when. Her commute home is around 25/30 minutes and each day she calls me on her drive home, and this is her venting time. I like this a lot. My wife and I have been married 4 years (United States). I suck it up because my mom usually limits it to one story. I was a bit upset at this. It was one-way spewing. So, perhaps part of the solution is filling in that what else bucket for both of you. Pops would listen patiently to all the griping my Mom did about her workplace (so behind the times), her co-workers (Greg-baby who fudged his college degree), management, etc. Sometimes, as a marriage continues, one spouse says things that ultimately could lead to disrespectful interactions within that marriage. Try addressing your differing needs from that angle, setting aside should.. Say that! Im in a customer facing role also, and it feels like customers have gotten so much worse lately, so I feel her pain. Its entirely fair for other people to set a limit at some point on how much verbal processors can fill the air with repetitive talking. And even if you are irritated, OP, think of it this way maybe you are her safe place. She talks to you because your relationship is important. I would have used at the very most $1X to splurge on anything and using $1X to splurge on stuff largely defeats the purpose of the hobby of managing resources. It only takes a minute to sign up. It makes me feel better to rant about the stupid report doesnt produce the right results if you put in a date range but if you put in a specific day it does (!!??). I also work in a customer facing job, and they ARE worse lately, and it IS really hard and stressful, and you DO need to vent sometimes. It could also be a sign that she needs a new job, or that shes unhappy in general. Youre judging your wife because she likes to complain and you think thats wrong. Its a totally different energy than the dumping that was going on before. But I cringed when I read that she has a stressful job and you do not. One tactic Ive read about and tried implementing myself to some degree of success is rewarding positive behavior. I need to vent. Apparently your body gets some sort of benefit (endorphins, possibly?) @MCP_infiltrator It is an inference, of course, but it looks like your wife is both not good with numbers and financially uneducated, so if you go too much into detail or use just numbers for that, you're going to lose her pretty early into the conversation. How do you want to handle that situation? If you would like, Im happy to help you update your resume and start a job search for something youd enjoy more///help you plan a regular ladies night and make myself scarce a few times a month so that you have more chances to talk to friends along with me about your life///declare the 10 minutes before dinner back rub time to get some of the stress out///help find a therapist that you could go to for a few sessions to talk through the stressors of your job and how to reduce the impact that other peoples mistakes (or meanness) have on your mental health///help cover both of our expenses for a few months if you need to take time off to recover from burnout///find really great journals for both of us to spend some time each night writing out our thoughts and feelings for the day Ive been thinking about journaling for a while and think it might help here. Ive also heard of doing it as a peach and a pit where each kid take about a good thing and bad thing about their day. 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