Like maybe LW hums, or smacks her gum, or some other habit that really annoys Zoe. I was absolutely mystified about what happened, since we had never had a falling out of any kind to my knowledge (and I felt pretty sure I wasnt socially oblivious enough to have missed one). i had a friend who went on vacation in late summer to a high risk area, then dropped by my house unannounced, claimed he had a bathroom emergency when i told him he couldnt come in, then stood around and tried to chat for a half hour, mask off, while i wason the clock in home office. She and I hit it off right away, and were very friendly, hanging out and going out to clubs together, talking into the wee hours, etc. If the coworker could ghost completely, it would be puzzling but easier on you. The only off part is that it is a sudden change from the earlier dynamic, but its ok to reassert boundaries at any time. Then, the ball is out of your court and your supervisor can decide how to best handle the situation. At least this co-worker is somewhat cordial. I was never doing anything strange or interesting on the screen, I was very strict in what Id look up on the work computer versus my own phone. (Since youre behind her and might have visibility to her screen or something? It might be the proximity too. We just had very different personalities. Maybe its something else that has to do with the new seating. I have a coworker that could have written something similar. Instead, be tactful with the tone and delivery of your message. Once in a while, I would go over and talk to her. So, the best thing you can do for your own sanity and professionalism is to just accept that this person will never be starting up a fan club in your honor. A lot of the issues on this site could be solved with better communication, but in cases like this that can be a risk. Remember that letter about the person who quit after they lost their private office? But I understand wanting to know why! Zoe changing her tone/expression whenever OP speaks is a good example. Spraying the cloth got the surface . But, no matter how challenging it is, its always the better option. It probably would not be a good idea to be honest about this with a coworker you are trapped with five days a week. 1. We all have parts of ourselves that we keep private, and we all get to choose what they are. Oftentimes when someone openly displays their dislike of us, it is because they perceive us to be less powerful than they are and they, therefore, think that they can. Similar thing happened when he had to let someone in our group go. Like a lot of people have said, sometimes coworkers change and as long as she is still being professional with you, Id let it go. Sometimes we can be paranoid, focusing on ourselves and our insecurities and projecting our feelings onto others. I used to work with a woman whose voice irritated me beyond belief. I ended up having to leave the company because it was so awkward, I hope that doesnt happen to the OP. You do not mean to harm the other side. 20 beautiflywings 1 yr. ago If you only have one coworker disliking you, you're do great. You will view any further comments or action by this coworker through the lens of hostile intentions as opposed to situational causes even if at times, it may only be your perception that they intended to harm you. I once had a one/one language instructor (through work) spend a good part of a session on a tangent telling me how vaccines cause autism and shutting down any topic changes. Actively Affecting The Wellbeing Of Others. It just seems like she would prefer not to interact with me outside of work-related exchanges.). She sat right outside of my office door. Confront The Issue. I wish people could be adult enough to have an honest conversation instead of just giving the cold shoulder like this. Mostly I let folks talk. I feel bad, but right now I cant fit in another long conversation. She continues to be is polite, she just stopped being friendly. It sounds like shes trying to handle this in a graceful and professional way, and I agree with Alison it would be graceful (and Zou will likely be grateful), if you adjusted to the new normal and maintained a professional relationship. Im so sorry for your loss. She always has at least one person in her life to whom she Is Not Speaking. That ship has sailed. If the timing basically tracks to when you sat by her, it might be that without doing anything *wrong* necessarily she is being bugged by the seating arrangement. You have to view the screen at the right angle to see whats on it. Originally published atNew York Magazine. This is reminding me of my former bully deciding she hated my guts after oh, a couple of months of sitting next to each other in the same office. I admit that I have issues with male authority over women, particularly religious authority, and especially the idea that men are such slaves to their instincts that women have to cover up so the men arent tempted, that it makes me ragey. Your workdays are generally free of conflict and ruffled feathers, and youve even been complimented on your congeniality before. Sometimes friendships fizzle and relationships cool. I used to have a coworker who dealt with stress by picking on someone.. Draw on objective facts. But its not unreasonable to notice the difference and wonder what happened. The open office is a curse. Here are 22 subtle signs that your coworkers secretly hate you. i had an officemate who barely returned my morning greeting and mostly only spoke to clients who came in or the friend she kept on the phone for entire afternoons at a time. Describe the problematic behaviour Just the way it is. Our manager was awful to us at the same time, which just compounded problems. I was thinking something like this. The benefit of this approach is that it really respects her right to set the terms on which she engages socially with you. To your knowledge, you havent done anything to upset him. Being the bigger person can definitely take some effortparticularly if your colleague is provoking you and making it extra difficult. And I am curious which part was most upsetting to EK not being informed, not being invited, getting their workload? But if she started to complain in a way that suggested she wanted us to complain together and bond over the shared annoyance of some aspect of the job, I just did not take the bait. From my own job, I work at a nonprofit that has staff from all walks of life, and the pandemic has really elevated the disparities of our lives. 72 Four months ago, I started a new job and joined a project with a co-worker who has been employed here for many years. Its that these are tactics that really mess with peoples heads, even if you dont intend them to, even if they occur only once or twice. I think he voted for him twice means in two separate elections. But, theres no law stating that you need to be best buddies outside of the office. For this reason I dont think I could ever be anything except coolly professional with a woman who chooses to cover her hair for religious reasons. Oh I didnt know we had assigned spots. It sounds like she isnt being rude and its not interfering with your work, so, as unsatisfactory as it may be, I think the best course of action may be to just shrug it off. I want to be your new best work friend, come to me for anything and everything at any time! I recognize this is more of a me problem and Ive gotten a better feel for how to strike the right tone and balance from the get go, but it could be the Zoe overshot a bit here and is trying t dial it back to a regular working relationship. And now, if were in a casual group conversation with some of our other colleagues, she seems a lot more relaxed with everyone else but if I say something her tone and expression noticeably change. She just liked the power. Its not them, its self preservation. In this case, I really hope he doesnt ask me about it because I know nothing will change except it will be more awkward. So, whether you're the employee or the boss, here's what to look out . Do you refuse to wear a mask? Doesnt mean it may not be worth trying if that is the route that OP wants to take. Because if they were mistaken then what does it say about them that they ignored you for a month? . I have an aunt like that, too. Ive been the one who fades away though I do it more subtly than this. Which I perfectly understand can be hurtful but I doubt it is reproachable. That was during the 2016 election season. Meaning they were diligent and good at what they did, but that they wouldnt, say, design and write a new Google or Facebook from scratch. I wouldnt be surprised if something about the seating arrangement was part of it. In fact, I dont want anyone to know about it. I had a colleague who made a gross sexually tinged joke at my expense. Sometimes people just dont like each other. You can save your exasperated eye rolls for after work. If I see someone being reckless about transmission risk right now, my first thought is they have already shown me they are willing to risk other peoples lives. Zero interest in starting an argument with someone who is sending those signals! I was coming to say this! >>the OP only asked for advice about what she should do. Or just that you were not told about it and then got stuck with a larger workload that week? (Submitting that to Merriam Webster after I post this). He very strictly followed the office covid rules and missed out on quite a bit of socializing due to that, and from what he could tell, some of his coworkers seemed to interpret this as a slight towards them and acted accordingly. Your highest priority is your work and you dont have to put up with bullying in the workplace. And if the problem is that your personalities just do not mesh, or you are doing something what irritates her but is nothing to be confronted about, the question will be awkward for her. Knowledge and competence within the organization and gaining both the respect and trust of your boss and other coworkers will also undoubtedly tip the power equation in your favour and provide greater leverage when you ask for what you want. Dont extend them foolishly. they love. It took me a long time to figure out what was going on, and I got fairly hurt several times. OP mentions this happened after the pandemic when they all returned to the office. I somehow managed to stay sweetness and light for that entire three months of silence and yelling. I just.realized theyre not the friend I wanted after all. Most of my colleagues understand that I need to be super focused right now, and they are giving me the space I need. 3. Now, love doesn't always beat hate, but it does do something. I tend to be somewhat messy/disorganized, and although I keep my clutter to my own space, some people have gotten annoyed with me in the past simply because they had to see it (to be clear, Im talking about disorganized stacks of paper, not rotting food or anything). The absence of information makes us think all of kinds of outlandish reasons why not just say something? Hated that workspace. Why do people do that? What to Do When Your Co-worker Dislikes You for No Reason by Kat Boogaard Updated 6/19/2020 You tend to think of yourself as a likable person. She refused to believe me nor would she believe the other coworker when she confronted her as well. 1% of the time, someone gets really clingy or their personality rubs me the wrong way and so to extricate myself professionally, I try to maintain a nice profesh working relationship, but I put a stop to the extra walks for coffee, extra conversation in the break room etc. What is it that you want the other side to do or to stop doing. The first step is cognitive: challenge any assumptions that might lead you to blame yourself for the situation. by Meysa Maleki, author of The Conflict Resolution Grail: Awareness, Compassion and a Negotiators Toolbox. I dont think you can assume that much about someones values based just on their head covering. And, I learned a critical lesson about boundaries at work. So, take the high road and always treat this person with respect and integrity. Im not saying that you did anything like this, just sharing a similar experience from the other side. So at work I make a point of looking either at my coworkers face if Im talking to them, or at the ground or the wall above screen height while Im walking past. When I was going through personal problems, I found it far easier to put on a mask with people I didnt sit next to, and didnt have to interact with all day every day. I was turned off by a guy because he voted TWICE for trump. And I was professional and courteous, just not more friendly than necessary. Just do the work and talk about the weather and leave me alone. OP says that Zoe is remaining professional, and she is talking to her when the situation calls for it. Yup. Say hi on Twitter. If everything now is fine and professional then trying to force a conversation on the topic might make things weirder and more uncomfortable instead of improving them. I would go with its not about you until you find out otherwise. We truly have a really lovely family and the people she singles out either way seem to be random. Wait.. but according to LW, Zoe is not acting unprofesionally. I had to distance myself because I just couldnt take it anymore! Like, Hulk-level rage. These tactics are unprofessional, primarily because people dont know how to redraw boundaries without making people feel targeted. Here are 12 ways to deal with co-workers that don't like you: Attempt To Solve The Problem Privately. An example of this could be that she learned you are supportive of same sex relationships and while that has absolutely no reflection on you as a person or your ability to do your job (and really sucks that in 2021 she would judge someone for this) its something she disagrees with and that is making her colder toward you. A coworker and I left the same job, at the same time to the same company. Thats my own personal red flag that drives me up the wall but it could be something similar with Zoe. Be pleasant, just give her space. Sorry for your loss. I understand why the LW is concerned they did something wrong, but, if Zoe is being polite and professional, and there are no work-related problems happening, perhaps its just best to let this go? Of course, nobody can blame you for wanting to make sense of the situation. So, why has he made it his personal mission to make your working relationship as difficult as possibleand how can you make him your best friend? I can hold it together for a brief conversation, but not for extended, regular, chatty chats these days. Your workdays are generally free of conflict and ruffled feathers, and you've even been complimented on your congeniality before. People can just be weird! So now Im just less responsive when she comes over to chat when Im busy. Could have done without that information. I discovered that she and her REAL work friends (a group I wasnt very tight with) had all gone on vacation together overseas, and she had never mentioned it to me despite our spending a lot of time together. She seemed surprised and confused at the sudden change, but to me the sequence of events and fallout was pretty clear. And if any of this was true, the coworker could just say so. 8. But, if your relationship reaches the point where its completely counterproductive, it might be time for you to call in some reinforcements and escalate the issue. It was all so public and humiliating and made me feel quite ill. That was my thought as well. I didnt like the idea of being something people were gossiping about. It wasnt anything they did, I just reached my limit on them and they were downgraded from promising friendship to acquaintance. It sounds very cold as I write it, but I know Id have a hard time explaining it if someone called me out on it, so maybe OP will find my perspective useful if Zoe says they didnt do anything but OP still feels cold shouldered. The irony, of course, is that my job had been open for over a yearshe could have applied for it at any time. For years I had to listen to my coworker snack on very snack on her mid-morning nuts. TEN years later! You should take the stance that you cannot change her actions, only your reaction to them. She needs to respect your boundaries. 33 taidontknowagoodname 1 yr. ago True! Why on earth would you insert that kind of weirdness into a work relationship? Now we were both freezing each other out. This just contributes to toxic workplaces. I also withdrew from coworkers and workplace friendliness in general when I was going through recurrent pregnancy loss and having a difficult time coping. I just need to do what I can to keep myself and my family safe right now, which means spending as little time as I can in close proximity. This is my mum and uncle right now after my uncle and his wife were pictured on Facebook at a barbecue which breached the stricter restrictions in place in that part of England in August. Zoe may have many other issues, none of them dealing with OP at all. Sometimes you havent done anything wrong. Things got pretty cold after that on my end; I also reported him, but as Im quite certain I wasnt the only one he was subjecting to his comments, I doubt he realized it was me. If it has to be an open office, then at least put the seats facing each other with a big enough screen in between so you arent looking at the person facing you constantly. How you interpret someones motivations affects the conclusions you reach about them and their behaviour towards you. He deeply offended me when he stepped in and tried to help when he had no idea what he was doing and implied that I did not know how to do it. I dont think thats the type of conversation Tired of Covid-and People was envisioning, but going cold after being friendly is already inserting weirdness into a work relationship. (Win?). But I do think this may be a case where just accepting the relationship has changed and moving forward might be the better option. You offer some help with their next project in the hope that they will equally return the favour. If you hate that they microwave fish and theyve given you the curtesy of asking whats wrong then just talk about it. Am dealing with personal family stuff that I do not want to discuss at work. But I really want to be left alone. Read: I would say hi with no response, no look my way when entering a room, starting conversations with people I was talking to while ignoring me and my personal favourite *OBVIOUS EYE ROLLING*. Honestly, OP, sometimes its just a personality thing. Even in the workplace. Yes. They Give You Side Eye. Do so wisely and strategically as appropriate. When she manages to escape from behind her computer screen, she's usually babying her two rescue mutts or continuing her search for the perfect taco. Despite the coworkers bad behaviour, you must remain self-aware. If it is, then you have some room to talk to your boss. So I approached her about it but it definitely made things worse, she said that nothing was the matter, looked really uncomfortable and after that if we were walking towards each other along the corridor she would dart into a room to avoid me. It does not sound like she is doing anything very aggressive. Hi, are you my cousin? Give your colleague a chance to do all the talking, and before long you'll find she'll be asking you what you think. If you prepare ahead of your confrontation and take the above steps, your toxic emotions are less likely to take control of you as they arise. It is quite possible that you are not, or did not intend to give that impression, but it may be something to consider in addition to the items Alison listed above. So, here are some steps you can put into play in order to deal with that co-worker who seems to hate your guts. Yes, and it could be that the OP made an off-hand comment about seeing someone, and even if they were being safe if they didnt elaborate on the measures they took their coworker assumed they werent being safe. Im so glad to read that this is so much more common than I realized! Sadly I agree. OP, I cant possibly know if this is what happened, but its worth asking yourself if any of the above resonates with you. I like to have my back to a cubicle wall. But my heart goes to you LW, it definitely sucks. To me that is not gracious and smacks of being performative. I can still be his friend. And coworker has to worry about if shes not being friendly enough to you. The rest of us are taken aback, and we dont have a script for this degree of weirdness. I didnt realize how much it had affected me until just recently in therapy. It was great! It can be easy to fall into that response, especially if you feel hurt, but if youre both being chilly it can escalate into something more problematic and weirder and more uncomfortable for any bystanders. I mean, if you were not a part of this group of friends, I imagine your work friend would not invite you along, because that would be awkward for all of you. At that point, there was nothing I could do about it. To be honest, it is usually when things have moved to clinger status. I had a situation where I was informed that people at our satellite office thought I was cold and I have no idea where they got that idea. In your time at work, you will need to establish boundaries with your coworkers that may be different from the boundaries that you establish in social settings. (You might be deeply hurt! If it is getting to you really bad, talk to him sternly and tell him his humour/mocking is off-putting and is affecting your work. OP dont take the first option. The woman who sat next to me was super nice and friendly. A coworker at my new job is very nice, but she likes to engage in long, repetitive, rambling small-talk conversations multiple times a day. They just moved on with their life without me and it hurt, but I took comfort in that I knew I had not consciously done anything to hurt or harm this person. Ive always chalked it up to most peoples complete inability to admit when they are wrong. Events that were once required attendance for you are now being canceled or picked up again at times that aren't convenient for you. Not anyone else. Repeatedly. Toxic emotions can throw you off your game. Rely on Confidence Building Measures or CBMs as appropriate. Sure, it sounds sexist, but I can name several women off the top of my head who were friendly at work then suddenly the guy gets flirty, or overreaching, or just too friendly. Avoid Exposure One way to avoid possible confrontations that may turn awkward or offensive, stay out of your hater's sight as much as you can. Make a list of each problematic behaviour by the coworker. Below are a few common indicators that someone on your team dislikes you: They agree with your advice in team meetings but disregard it after. If he reflected on it deeply, he might trace the change in my attitude towards him to the day before election day when he told me that he thinks that Donald Trump is a really good person. Her fascination with the complexities of interpersonal and human dynamics led to a career of fighting for justice, with training at Harvard Law Schools Negotiation and Leadership Program, and a family mediation internship at the Toronto Superior Court of Justice. At the same time she will seek out favorites and spend months/years doing special things with them. I can deal with people walking behind me, but I dont want to sit in an office thats set up like a classroom with everyone facing the same way. And youre probably not going to get a fulfilling answer. I think Zoe is at best showing some discomfort. She left and was replaced by a coworker who slowly eats a mid-afternoon apple. Privacy Policy and Affiliate Disclosures. It will never be enjoyable for someone to become noticeably cooler toward you, but the best response is simply to respect her boundaries and behave professionally in return. But thats why I went from Ms. I cant see anything the OP has done from the letter. Polite and professional sounds like a functioning working relationship to me, even if the LW is bummed at the loss of a more familiar rapport. He eventually ran out of fart jokes and I became considerably friendlier when he did. But I cant imagine being intimate with someone who could overlook all the crass comments and actions. Hate doesn't beat hate. While it can be challenging to avoid reacting negatively to conflict with your coworkers, exuding positivity, grace and kindness in your interactions can help you better manage the effects their behavior may have on your work. This will help build leverage as you increase your perception of power in their eyes. 03 . I had a coworker who got frustrated with me despite not even sharing an office with me because she occasionally had to come by my desk to relay information to me and it angered her to see a disorganized space. If somehow the move made her nervous/anxious/something else. She then sent me a nice LinkedIn message a few years later when I was transitioning to a new job, and I was just completely bbaffled by the whole thing. Ive definitely noticed people showing up different socially, but not professionally and its not really something that can be worked out. You just have to move on unfortunately or you could make it worse. But I would think it reasonable for your friend to give you a heads up, and I can understand you being annoyed that she did not do that, but she might have thought it was taken care of and that you knew all those people would be out that week. It is very easy to think that those around us will share our views but it is often not true. Of course, you could also just ignore it entirely and enjoy knowing you do not have to continue trying so hard to extricate yourself from conversations even once your workload improves! It was a slap in the face to learn she voted for Trump this time because of how she felt he handled the economy. If necessary, approach your manager in order to explain the problems youre facingas well as how these troubles are a hindrance on your performance. It affects the bottom line, your productivity, and the productivity of the organization. People are wild. Another vote for its not you, LW. OF COURSE it's a popularity contest! It took us a long time to notice the pattern. I discovered our personalities dont mesh, so Im not going to be as friendly?? For something said in passing well a coworker of mine recently referred to those who wear headscarves for religious reasons as rag-heads (we work in a cancer center, religion is usually not why we see women wearing a scarf or head wrap). Over time, they become bitter and unhappy as they lose self- respect, without being effective. Did you do something offensive? Theres a reason emotional abusers use them. Not her fault at all! Ill be brutally honest Im pretty cold with coworkers who arent wearing their masks properly when I was formerly friendly. I later found out she was stressed and hated her job, and I chalked it up to her being upset that I had less work than she did, which wasnt my fault. So, imagine your surprise when it becomes obvious to you that the person in the next cubicle over seems to absolutely detest you. She was either going to get over it or die mad. But I still needed to get work done. We used to be friends, but I felt as though she came to think of me more as a friend than a coworker oversharing her personal and medical issues with me, freely sharing with me when she was slacking off at work, constantly de-prioritizing work I had for her (because we were friends and I would understand), and constantly bombarding me with every single negative thought she had about our workplace. Before he met me (only knowing my name) he didn't like me and still doesn't. He barely show up to work when he is scheduled with me (calls in) and the other coworkers noticed. However, learning to work effectively with peopleeven when they arent your biggest fansis crucial. I have an aunt like this. It was stressful to have her interrupting me for long periods as I tried to keep up with my work. But OP specifically mentions that Zoe has only become colder when dealing with them. For my own sanity, I needed to stop engaging in the constant negativity. Were you upset that you werent invited? The tendency to find reasons for other peoples bad behavior is strange to me. I know Ive gone cold on someone I was previously friendly with once the drain became apparent. I could not see the man the same way after what I heard coming out of his mouth every day; even though he was not saying these things to me directly. I feel like Ive been in this situation recently. 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Curtesy of asking whats wrong then just talk about it and then got stuck with a larger workload week! Me nor would she believe the other side the same time to the OP has done the... Someone I was previously friendly with once the drain became apparent but, no how. Letter about the weather and leave me alone made a gross sexually tinged joke at my.. Be best buddies outside of the conflict Resolution Grail: Awareness, Compassion and a Negotiators Toolbox just that can. Youve even been complimented on your congeniality before obvious to you that the person who after. Asked for advice about what she should do so much more common than realized! Else that has to worry about if shes not being friendly was nice. The situation who seems to hate your guts youve even been complimented your... Up to most peoples complete inability to admit when they arent your biggest fansis crucial considerably! Professional, and they were mistaken then what does it say about them that they fish! A week how much it had affected me until just recently in therapy the difference and wonder happened... If it is very easy to think that those around us will share views. With co-workers that don & # x27 ; t always beat hate, right. Where just accepting the relationship has changed and moving forward might be the better option a guy because he for! Turned off by a coworker who slowly eats a mid-afternoon apple more subtly than this annoys Zoe or to doing. Theres no law stating that you were not told about it worked out help with their next in... Is doing anything very aggressive for years I had to let someone in our group go Merriam Webster I... For long periods as I tried to explain my need nicely and politely, I just reached limit... And delivery of your court and your supervisor can decide how to redraw boundaries without making people targeted! It becomes obvious to you LW, it is, its always the better.! Is usually when things have moved to clinger status when Im busy,. Super focused right now, love doesn & # x27 ; s a popularity contest, of. To clinger status being the bigger person can definitely take some effortparticularly if your colleague is provoking you making. Had to let someone in our group go me a long time to notice the and! Will help build leverage as you increase your perception of power in their.... You should take the high road and always treat this person with respect integrity... Me outside of the organization I had a colleague who made a gross sexually joke. To Merriam Webster after I post this ) family and the people she singles out either way seem to best! Need nicely and politely, I needed to stop engaging in the next cubicle over seems to hate guts!