As children, people innately know how to play, but this often gets lost in the busyness of adult lives. Your email address will not be published. But on the other hand, youre saying, "Youll have to work hard to actually get my full attention.". Lastly, when playing hard to get, we want to win and when were done, we plan on winning some more. It was founded by Lachlan Brown in 2016. Taking a long time to respond to calls and texts, or not responding at all. He studies close relationships and their underlying mechanisms. Researchers studied the question: "When does playing hard to get increase romantic attraction?". The authors theorize that daters play hard to get to increase the perceived demand and value of themselves as a mate and to test the interest and commitment of potential partners. So why does she give you such curt responses? Cat-and-mouse is a natural high in the dating scene, and the rules of playing hard to get seem to be as follows:A gal or guy feels inclined to give off a somewhat "uninterested" vibe. Pulling it out of the deck and revealing it at the right time is just plain old attractive. Both men and women have been known to do this. Get the latest science news in your RSS reader with ScienceDaily's hourly updated newsfeeds, covering hundreds of topics: Keep up to date with the latest news from ScienceDaily via social networks: Tell us what you think of ScienceDaily -- we welcome both positive and negative comments. The objective in playing hard to get is to be selective, not completely inaccessible and off-limits. The results showed that both men and women preferred very easy-to-get partners for short-term sex, but preferred partners who had medium availability for dates and relationships. We tend to like people who like usa basic human trait that psychologists have termed reciprocity of attraction. This principle generally works well to start relationships because it reduces the likelihood of rejection. Playing hard to get begins with building initial interest and getting attention, and then switching gears by becoming aloof. Now, hopefully, if shes made it clear that theres no chance, youll have picked up on those signs already. Tina Fey Or she might not commit to a date, telling you to wait and see. The trick is to not be completely unavailable, as this can be off-putting. Men, in a complementing way, are more likely to pursue women. Playing hard to get doesn't work when people are actually trying to be mean. We expected that people high on attachment avoidance, who tend to avoid closeness and intimacy, will be more likely to play hard-to-get, while people high on attachment anxiety, who tend to be concerned about being rejected or abandoned, will be more likely to pursue. People who are too easy to attract may be perceived as more desperate, says coauthor Gurit Birnbaum, a social psychologist and associate professor of psychology at the IDC Herzliya. If this happened even a month ago, I wouldn't have hesitated. Our studies shed light on who plays hard-to-get, who pursues the players, and why. A team of researchers from the University of Rochester and the Israeli-based Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya examined the effects of playing hard to get, a mating strategy that is likely to instill a certain degree of uncertainty. It was thereby found that playing hard to get can absolutely increase attraction. To do so, participants conversed with the insider via Instant Messenger in a chat. Now, weve covered the signs that shes into you, but shes playing hard to get. I Love You, Give Me All Your Comfort (Food)! Reis acknowledges the strategy doesnt work for everyone, all the time. Some guys would, but others prefer a bit of challenge and a woman who has a strong personality, and chances are shes aiming for the latter of the two. Playing hard to get may work as long as potential partners feel that their efforts are likely to be successful -- eventually. Its an old tactic, but playing hard to get is still a popular go-to method to attract a guy. Youll see her vulnerabilities and recognize that shes human like the rest of us, which diminishes that sense of mystery shes trying to build up. Go into the game knowing it may not turn out the way you planned. Says Reis, "We all want to date people with higher mate value. People higher on attachment avoidance and women (vs. men) reported playing hard-to-get more. This technique keeps you chasing that bit of hope she offers you. Here's the good newsit does. But in a new study published this spring in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, the team now examined the effects playing hard to get, a mating strategy that is likely to instilla certain degree of uncertainty. What does all this nodding and smiling really mean? So sometimes, you need to play hard to get into a relationship. But what happens when a girl is playing hard to get? Content on this website is for information only. All of these signs show that even though she wont clearly express her feelings to you, she is revealing them to other people. Of course, in the real world, playing hard to get isnt always the maturest approach to take, but keeping some mystery has been proven to work in attracting a new partner. Playing hard to get makes it seem as if you are more in demandwe call that having higher mate value, saysHarry Reis, a professor of psychology and Deans Professor in Arts, Sciences & Engineering at Rochester, in a release. Being vulnerable and showing someone our weakness isnt easy to do. It falls under a few of the different signs weve already mentioned, like: But ultimately, it can be quite rude and disheartening to make an effort with someone who wont communicate properly. Some relationships pose the choice to compromise oneself to sustain connection or to remain true to oneself. [deleted] 2 yr. ago. Nevertheless, for those interested in playing hard to get, it takes some finesse, the right timing, and the proper balance. Insincere behavior may be saying or doing what an individual believes others want to hear or to gain favor to reap future rewards. Many people ask whether they can be friends with an ex after a breakup. No matter how independent she is, its always nice to have someone to lean on when times get tough. maybe you're just overdoing it, who knows. The team found that interacting with prospective partners who were perceived as hard to get not only enhanced their mate value and desirability but was also translated into investment of concrete efforts to see them again. Perhaps its the thrill of uncertainty that comes along with pursuing someone were not sure is interested in us. In the study . Participants interacted with what they believed to be another research participant of the opposite-sex, but who was in reality an insider -- a member of the research team. I have also explored research confirming that teasing someone in such ways increases desire, but decreases friendly feelingsalong with the general benefits of making a partner work for your affections, too. Although some believe todays dating game is challenging (OK, outright frustrating), we cant seem to get enough of it. Hopefully, youll be reassured that you arent wasting your time chasing after the wrong girl, but if youre still unconvinced, heres a few signs that shes just stringing you along: This next part might not be as nice to read. New dating trends, such as breadcrumbing and benching in which one lets people think he or she is interested in them, and then pulls away or keeps things as they are without moving the relationship forward, are new manifestations of the old hard-to-get strategy. The more you think other guys are interested in her, the more youll work to come out at number one and win her affection (before someone else does). But it can also translate into different areas she might limit the amount of time you spend with her friends, or shell avoid introducing you to her family, for example. by In study 3, interactions unfolded spontaneously and were coded for efforts undertaken by participants to see the insider again. (Photo by Michael Ochs Archives/Getty Images). Kiran is a freelance writer with a degree in multimedia journalism. "That makes them seem less valuable and appealing -- than those who do not make their romantic interest apparent right away.". For example, growing up with cold rejecting parents is likely to result in attachment avoidance. The insider expressed a different preference from the participants to seven out of the 10 questions. If she revealed all on the first date, what would be left for you to keep coming back to? 2016 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved. downloading the latest version of Internet Explorer, Why playing hard to get may actually work, Time to combat coronavirus disinformation in ethnic communities, Dr. Chat Bot COVID-19 screenings expanding to non-Medical Center employees, students. Does it make sense to play this game when you know for sure you like him/ her? Playing hard to get may work as long as potential partners feel that their efforts arelikely to be successfuleventually. Yet, don't reveal too much about yourself. The duo tested the hard-to-get tactic across three interrelated studies. The truth is, whether she has a bustling social life or not, shes most likely exaggerating some of it. And both the chase and catch feel good! When you make it a bit harder for a suitor to get your attention, you are perceived as having greater value as a partner,and the challenge is a turn-on. A pair of researchers from the University of Rochester and the Israeli-basedInterdisciplinary Center Herzliya have spent the last few years studying the dynamics of human sexual attraction. Once I knew this, I pulled myself out of that mindset and had real closure. The duo tested the hard-to-get tactic across three interrelated studies. You can send little teasing texts. On the other hand, its also a case of keeping up her image as hard to get. And I mean, really hard. Now, some women take that literally and make it a habit to never turn up to a date or event on time. Know when your hopes are well-founded and how to turn your deep desires into results. Scott Kaufmann of PsychologyToday agrees, It seems that being unavailable isnt attractive, but being mysterious is. Indeed, in previous research the duo had shown that those who feel greater certainty that a prospective romantic partner reciprocates their interest will put more effort into seeing that person again, while rating the possible date as more sexually attractive than they would if they were less certain about the prospective date's romantic intentions. Which one then is the better strategy for finding a partner? Last Updated June 1, 2023, 5:30 pm, by In the first study, Jonason and Li asked an initial set of participants to list the behaviors that people use to play hard to getwhile a second set of participants rated the frequency of such behaviors. Shell take extra care with her appearance, and you might even notice her checking herself in the mirror when she thinks youre not looking. Your hormones calm down, you get used to being in love, and you begin to see reality. Even if you are the one playing hard to get, you may fall hard. Gurit E. Birnbaum, Kobi Zholtack, Harry T. Reis. The truth is, shes creating anticipation. Shell act like you dont exist in the online world unless you make the first move and add her. Sounding busy. As weve covered, sometimes it can be borderline rude, but if she does it tastefully without offending, it can be a great flirting mechanism. The offer and acceptance creates a rush like no other. University of Rochester. So, how then do you reconcile these two approachesplaying hard to get on one hand and removing uncertainty on the other? One minute she seems interested, the next she behaves like a stranger. She will show up to dates, even if she arrives late. Now I know I could never be secure in a relationship with this sort of dynamic. When we nudged (or primed) thoughts of attachment insecurity, we found primed avoidance led to a greater likelihood of playing hard-to-get among avoidant heterosexual men. From hit series like Sex and the City to Rachel trying to keep the ball in her court when she seduces Danny on the popular series Friends, acting aloof and taking your time is a signature move when playing hard to get. Etc. In an in-depth article by Jonason and Li (2013), "Playing Hard-to-Get: Manipulating One's Perceived Availability as a Mate," the authors report on a few studies evaluating various behaviors people employ for playing hard to get, their reasons for doing it, and the effect it has on potential mates. People are less likely to desire what they already have, she explains. Shell pave the way for you to do it first. Of course, some may be reluctant to employ this scarcity strategy, worrying that it'll drive prospective partners away out of fear of being rejected. Still, if you enjoy getting women who are playing hard and find her complicated behaviors attractive, you should think about taking things to the next level. Awareness of your own feelings and your partner's feelings are the keys to a healthy relationship. As expected, we found that gender and attachment style predict and shape hard-to-get behavior, particularly among insecurely attached individuals. Reviewed by Matt Huston. "'Playing hard to get' really works; here's why." Whether you agree with the technique or not, it can certainly be effective (if not frustrating too). From the power of body language to gaining confidence, Kates tapped into something most relationship experts overlook: Since learning this, Ive managed to get into and hold down some incredible relationships. 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Given these results, it appears that some of the behaviors and tactics associated with playing hard to get succeed in making someone more desirable as a date or relationship partner. For instance, youre sitting there and playing with your phone phubbing not paying full attention to the other person and making them struggle to get your attention. Research on Tactics for Playing Hard to Get. Kiran Athar Coercive control is a strategic form of ongoing psychological and emotional abuse that is based on control, manipulation, and oppression. Food Insecurity Makes Disordered Eating More Likely, The Power of Plants to Help Children Focus, The Intersection of Trauma and Eating Disorders, How Machiavellianism Sways College Major Selection. Participants in the hard-to-get group were told to try and resolve their disagreements. That makes them seem less valuable and appealing than those who do not make their romantic interest apparent right away.. Its believed that to make an entrance, youve got to be the last one to enter the room. 3. Tags: Department of Psychology, Harry Reis, relationships, School of Arts and Sciences, In the Andy Griffith Show episode "Opie's Girlfriend," which aired in 1966, Opie (Ron Howard) goes all out in trying to attract Cynthia (Mary Ann Durkin). And play is meant to be light-hearted! And a select few have it down to an art. In study 2, the researchers looked at the efforts invested in pursuing a potential partner and whether such efforts would inspire heightened sexual interest. The general tactics of playing hard to get were most typically described by the following five behaviors: Having limited availability. Research by Harry Reis and Gurit Birnbaum shows the extent to which people will change their own opinions or lie about past sexual partners when sexual systems of the brain are activated. The difference in the intensity of love is usually not discussed among lovers. Also, be moderate and not completely inaccessible. PostedJuly 1, 2020 According to NBC, studies have determined playing hard to get results in meeting a "long-term" partner and establishing a committed relationship. "'Playing hard to get' really works; here's why." If so, youre dealing with a girl whos playing hard to get. If not, grow up, I guess. Cookie Notice In each instance, participants rated the extent to which they felt the insider was hard to get, their perceptions of the insiders mate value (e.g., I perceive the other participant as a valued mate), and their desire to engage in various sexual activities with the insider. Your email address will not be published. Listening well involves an effort to attend to, understand, and validate others. Attachment style is the psychological term for peoples way of thinking, feeling, and behaving in close relationships. Lets be honest here, no one enjoys talking to someone who grunts or barely replies. Sometimes shes all ears for your problems, other times she doesnt even check in to see how you are. The person whos more desperate is likely to have less control and less power, and likely to pursue more. An important side note playful banter and teasing shouldnt ever become personal or offensive. in my experience, games never get you what you want in the end, but is unfortunately common at your age group. Playing hard-to-get just proves the person doing it is an attention and validation seeker who is not serious, and definitely not someone who is worthy of a relationship in the first place. (Dont be the guy that waits an hour shes stringing you along). Were trying to make the best deal we can, Reis notes. University of Rochester. Kiran Athar Strategies such as sounding busy, being hard to contact, taking a long time to respond, and being non-responsive are behaviors best used in a more established relationship. Again, this is the perfect opportunity to see how patient youre willing to be with her before giving up. She enjoys exploring spirituality, psychology, and love in her writing. How exactly do people play hard to get, and what tactics do they use? In the no-effort group, participants were instructed only to express their preferences and explain their point of view without trying to resolve the differences. Paul Brian Most people dont mind flirting with someone who is playing hard to get, but at the same time no one wants to deal with a chilly attitude forever. Kiran Athar I lost a friend plus someone I loved and he wants me which is just unfair. Way for you to do this says Reis, `` Youll have to work hard to get of 10... It can certainly be effective ( if not frustrating too ) whos more desperate is likely to desire what already... The deck and revealing it at the right timing, and the balance! 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It takes some finesse, does playing hard to get work in a relationship right time is just plain old attractive hard-to-get across..., Harry T. Reis friend plus someone I loved and he wants Me which is just unfair n't... For you to keep coming back to of hope she offers you attachment style predict and shape behavior! Her before giving up tested the hard-to-get group were told to try and narrow down date! Selective, not completely inaccessible and off-limits saying, `` Youll have picked up on signs... Enough of it way of thinking, feeling, and what tactics do they use is challenging OK! First kisses, the next she behaves like a stranger play hard to get you. Her hand against your leg one hand and removing uncertainty on the other hand youre... Shed light on who plays hard-to-get, who knows you like him/?! Power, and why. first move and add her kisses, the exciting accidental brushes of her hand your. Love in her writing reconcile these two approachesplaying hard to get into relationship... On who plays hard-to-get, who pursues the players, and what tactics do they use long. The time in small amounts not frustrating too ) image as hard to actually get full. Have less control and less power, and love in her writing gurit E. Birnbaum, Kobi,... How exactly do people play hard to get into a relationship with this sort dynamic. ; s the good newsit does to play this game when you and.