A common problem is people trying to push people to ignore their new physical limitations and overexert themselves, and this is really dangerous. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! I find that when one person is overly invested in helping someone else, its often an indicator that they have their own issues which theyre trying to feel better about. This is a guy who hasnt figured out that nagging doesnt work despite all kinds of evidence to the contrary. He ate it for lunch (everyday!) And they dont need to be The Worst for you to decide you dont want to be in this relationship anymore. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and wants to help you with care and recovery, theres a real risk theyll become frustrated and upset when presented with evidence that progress isnt happening. Also, are his goals for you actually about you or are they all about him? All rights reserved. Doesnt mean partners have to stay, or even should stay. I suspect a lot of commenters are going to scream angry bees, run away, and theyre not wrong; your partners behavior is a bit like tiger stripes in tall grass: it looks like one thing (concern for you) but might be something far less pleasant. Thanks you! The Logick Kraken might make a lot of sense to you, at first. I have been basically on my own for over 10 years. Dating you is a privilege you get to grant people, not a burden someone is doing you the favour of shouldering. Sorry, it posted before I was done. Listen to Leah Robins and the Captain if he loves you, he will work with you, and you will be able to laugh together even during the darkest moments of your lives. He may feel like criticizing you is the only way to help. TL;DR: I hope you have good progress with your healing, and that either your boyfriend learns to be less of a jerk stat, or that youre in a position to be able to move on/out without him, because you deserve so much more support and respect. If she is similar, then making it easier to have the social thing happen and harder to get out of once agreed to may be helpful. Obviously with big things I am more than willing to help out and be there for my SO, but silly things like this (where he needed the pan moved so he could see the recipe (he had turkey hands)), are worth 30 seconds of patience. You know your boyfriend and your own situation better than we do, so I trust you to figure out who and what you are dealing with and take steps to care for yourself. Whose fing body is it anyway, buddy? On a very small and lighter note, and maybe as perspective, I think that eating whatever the heck one wants when partner is out of town is The Very Best Thing You Could Ever Do. Also, I think its wonderful you put food down in front of her. Soup kitchens. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable. If hes not pulling his weight, then this is an attempt to manipulate you into doing all the work. Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined), and therapy has been going very well. If LW says When Dude just tells you that he knows best for you, that is patronising as fuck. The boyfriend may well not be reasonable. He never mansplains, but he longsplains. renovate the bathrooms, start an advice columnit doesnt have to be terrible. (ALSO he sounds like the sneering voice of trying to stop CSP behaviours once youre in the zone with them.) Anyways, he wants me to visit this summer but I just have too many doubts and I have explained to him of my worries but he'll come up with solutions and he seems really disappointed whenever I explained to him why it's difficult to visit him. It's not. Initially, he nagged, but eventually he worked out that didnt help (because I told him so and he listened), and he stopped. Which is precisely what he sounds like. Nine times out of ten, a person who self-describes as logical or rational ironically does not understand this, and a much better self-description would be someone so egotistical that I think my subjective preferences should be treated as laws of the universe especially by my girlfriend.. Or because he has decided you arent feeling magically better enough yet? Some things Ive done to help encourage my partner with quitting smoking (which he successfully did years ago, yay) and exercising more are: think of specific, loving things you can do that might help this wont always be something you can do, but, for example, when he was trying to quit last time, I had learned from previous attempts that part of the problem was wanting something to put in his mouth. Exercise will make you physically exhausted as well as mentally, and can make your moods tank even harder. Im glad the accidentally-posted link might be of use to you, and Im sorry that youre dealing with stuff similar to Drownings letter. That is some toxic logic there! is toxic and controlling, and this: Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard., It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. And it is reasonable to want people who are important in your life to be supportive and helpful. It sounds like you two have a chance. He wants to do everything together. From what you are saying, I sense that no matter what happens with you, he will likely always want to maintain that edge and actually doesnt have the goal of you two being on the same level. LW you got this. Its part of who you are but that doesnt make it a bad thing. He works multiple jobs to maximize his productivity during the day, plays sports like basketball and soccer, bikes, hikes, climbs, cooks, photographs, etc. I think this list is a great idea! In high school, I was shy, introverted, and had low self confidence and poor social skills due to a history of being bullied in junior high and middle grade. I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch. Emotions are *who we are* and theres no such thing as a feeling or desire that is incorrect or illegitimate. This was my college boyfriend in a nutshell. He seems to be framing it as good diet and exercise will make you feel better rather than be thinner but I wonder if the latter is his true goal here. I said you can wait, it literally took me less than a minute to turn on the washer. I thought we were going to back off on this thing where you are my trainer., What did you eat when I was out of town? Dont really have a list, but it was delicious. It looks like nothing was found at this location. If it were, all any of us would need would be a personal trainers, and therapists would be out of business. Dont. Also, being logical in emotions includes: I feel sad, so logically I should do things that make me less sad, Im feeling stressed, so I will eat food I enjoy as self-care, and I feel emotionally drained, so today I will make fewer demands on myself. It is not logical to demand someone ignore their emotions. I agree! Dear LW, And of course if theyre dodgy they tend to do it in a way that seems sufficiently different from our terrible family situation to be very well at least they dont do X thing. Finally, I also worry a bit about something almost the opposite of not wanting to help you through hard times, which is not wanting you to get better. Invoking logic by name in a discussion. But Im definitely not saying you need to DTMF right away. Well, I mean, as someone who prefers her boys on the skinny side, it is totally true that everyone gets to have preferences. Incidentally, I also learned a lot about my own self-care for times when hes having an episode, so I dont get so easily sucked in. And should usually comes from a not so great place. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/. I dont even support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the role. First, he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. You are healing, why shouldnt your home and your relationship be a place you can feel comfortable? If he doesnt like and love the you he lives with now, hes not worthy of the brave person who is you. (and having dated somebody like LWs partner in the past when I was severely depressive I really kind of just want to SHOOT HIM.). Flags everywhere! This was where I got very concerned. Like, there are healthy relationships where both people agree to certain situations where person A asks to be prompted to do X and person B does so. But this is what worried me most when I read your letter. I didnt do it for you. YES! This is poor form, and Boyfriend really needs to wake up and smell the coffee that THINGS ARE MORE OKAY NOW, BACK THE FUCK OFF, YOURE NOT NEEDED. I hope what the various letter writers get out of this sort of advice is perhaps support that what feels uncomfortable and off to them in a way that's hard to describe is actually terrible no good behaviour. Not that I recommend my way. Only I was the fixer, always trying to give my boyfriend helpful advice about how hes doing everything wrong and hed be so much healthier and happier if only hed go to bed earlier, eat more veggies, and agree with me about more stuff. I am going to assume that dude loves you and just wants to help you get better because he knows you want to get better.. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. I dont think that his intent upset or control you but a desire for you to do better born from a internal selfishness that it would make his life better or easier. So, I thought about it and suggested I could go buy him a bunch of veggies he likes and he could randomly munch on those when he had cravings. Speaking of unconventional food pairings The Peanut-Butter and Bacon sandwich is a surprisingly delicious comfort-food combo (I like to toast the bread and add a dash of worcestershire sauce). Its ok to challenge yourself sometimes and then hang out in your comfortable space! Youre should-ing all over yourself. Stuart Smalley (aka Sen. Al Franken). Weve been through some really hard times and some very good and stable times. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. Im a grown ass adult and he still tries to do things like that to me. So M and I have been dating for four months and we have known each other for 10 months (it will be 11 in July). Which did he pick, if you dont mind the question? As a friend once wisely told me, theres a difference between helping each other grow and one person pointing out your flaws in detail after knowing you so intimately with the excuse that its supposed to help. It doesnt matter whether he hasnt ridden in a month or he did so a couple of days ago. Replace depression with cancer, and see what Im talking about. And it shouldnt sound like shes opening the floor to discussion on that one. You are not the only one. You cant have every day be a rest day otherwise youre not actually exercising, but they are needed or you burn out and get injured or sick. It shows he wants to do things with me. Well, that just gave me a case of the Screaming Nopes. Work. Apologise, and never say that to me again.. I cant help but agree with other commenters because my first thought was that he wants to slim you down, especially combined with the food comments. I dont try to argue other people out of their feelings, because unless I develop telepathy (avert! There will always be something that can be improved, because people are people, and people are imperfect. This boyfriend sounds a little like my mother, and finances have forced me to live with the rents for a bit, so I appreciate the tips and scripts Ive read here. They are what they are, and you cant force someone to evolve. Maybe I can step on fewer landmines by keeping it in mind. My partner and I take walks, and thats about as far as it goes at this point. I hope you find your way to a nagging-free home, one way or another. 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